Friday, March 17, 2017

Feast of St. Patrick, Bishop and Missionary to the Irish


Almighty God, in your providence you chose your servant Patrick to be the apostle of the Irish people, to bring those who were wandering in darkness and error to the true light and knowledge of you: Grant us so to walk in that light that we may come at last to the light of everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Today is the Feast of St. Patrick, which is a huge celebration in the U.S.A., with parades and speeches and people wearing green and, from what I remember from elementary school, lots of pinching. I think the celebration of St. Patrick's Day has more to do with the pride of those of Irish heritage in the land of their ancestors than with the actual St. Patrick; leprechauns and green beer and getting plastered have nothing to do with the saint, and such celebrations do not take place in Ireland. Today we are going to remember Patrick as a missionary and bishop, and as the man who helped spread Christianity throughout Ireland.

Patrick did not bring Christianity to Ireland; there were Christians in Ireland in the fourth century, probably as a result of contact between the British, who had first heard the Gospel with the arrival of missionaries in the second century. The Celtic Church was different from the Roman Church; they kept a different date for Easter and their spirituality was different than that of the Western or Roman church.

Patricus was probably born in the year 390 in Britain. Patrick's family were Christians; his grandfather was a priest and his father was a deacon. His father, Calpornius, was also an important official in the Roman imperial government in Britain. Yet even though he came from a Christian family, Patrick, like many young people, didn't really concern himself with the faith or with his education. He regretted his lack of education for the rest of his life. When he was sixteen years of age, his village, Bannavem Taburniae, was raided by Irish pirates or slave-raiders, and he and many other people were captured and taken away. Here is how he tells the story in his Confession: I was then about sixteen years of age. I did not know the true God. I was taken into captivity to Ireland with many thousands of people---and deservedly so, because we turned away from God and did not keep His commandments, and did not obey our priests, who used to remind us of our salvation. And the Lord brought over us the wrath of his anger and scattered us among many nations, even unto the utmost part of the earth, where now my littleness is placed among strangers.

And there the Lord opened the sense of my unbelief that I might at last remember my sins and be converted with all my heart to the Lord my God, who had regard for my abjection, and mercy on my youth and ignorance, and watched over me before I knew Him, and before I was able to distinguish between good and evil, and guarded me, and comforted me as would a father his son.


Patrick was forced to work as a shepherd, and he spent a lot of his time in repentance and prayer. He also had a vision which told him that he would return home: But after I came to Ireland---everyday I had to tend sheep, and many times a day I prayed---the love of God and His fear came to me more and more, and my faith was strengthened. And my spirit was moved so that in a single day I would say as many as a hundred prayers, and almost as many in the night, and this even when I was staying in the woods and on the mountains; and I used to get up for prayer before daylight, through snow, through frost, through rain, and I felt no harm, and there was no sloth in me---as now I see, because the spirit within me was then fervent. And there one night I heard in my sleep a voice saying to me: "It is well that you fast, soon you will go to your own country." And again, after a short while, I heard a voice saying to me: "See, your ship is ready." And it was not near, but at a distance of perhaps two hundred miles, and I had never been there, nor did I know a living soul there; and then I took to flight, and I left the man whith whom I had stayed for six years. And I went in the strength of God who directed my way to my good, and I feared nothing until I came to that ship.

When he first came and asked the captain for work on the ship, the captain was angry and said, "There is no room and it is no use for you to ask to go along with us." Patrick, discouraged, turned away and started walking down the path. He was praying that God would guide him safely back to his hut, but before he even ended his prayer he heard a sailor calling: "Come, hurry, we shall take you on in good faith; make friends with us in whatever way you like." Patrick thanked God and hoped to bring them all to Christ, as they were all Pagans. Three days later they arrived on the coast of Britain. They left the boat and began traveling by foot. Patrick writes: . . . for twenty-eight days we traveled through deserted country. And they lacked food, and hunger overcame them; and the next day the captain said to me, "Tell me, Christian, you say that your God is great and all-powerful; why, then, do you not pray for us? As you can see, we are suffering from hunger; it is unlikely indeed that we shall ever see a human being again." I said to them full of confidence: "Be truly converted with all your heart to the Lord my God, because nothing is impossible for Him, that this day He may send you food on your way until you be satisfied; for He has abundance everywhere." And, with the help of God, so it came to pass: suddenly a herd of pigs appeared on the road before our eyes, and they killed many of them; and there they stopped for two nights and fully recovered their strength, and their hounds received their fill for many of them had grown weak and were half-dead along the way. And from that day they had plenty of food.

That night Patrick had a dream that Satan was holding him down, and he called out to God and was saved from Satan's grasp, and he realized from that moment on that the Spirit of God would speak and work through him. He eventually left this gang and returned to his family. He also as educated as a Christian and took on Holy Orders, being ordained deacon, priest, and eventually, bishop. All during this time back home he had visions calling him back to the land of his captivity: And there I saw in the night the vision of a man, whose name was Victoricus, coming as it were from Ireland, with countless letters. And he gave me one of them, and I read the opening words of the letter, which were "The voice of the Irish;" and as I read the beginning of the letter I thought that at the same moment I heard their voice---they were those beside the Wood of Covlut, with is near the Western Sea---and thus did they cry out as with one mouth: "We ask thee, boy, come and walk among us once more." And I was quite broken in heart, and could read no further, and so I woke up. Thanks be to God, after many years the Lord gave to them according to their cry. And another night---whether within me or beside me, I know not, God knows---they called me most unmistakably with words which I heard but could not understand, except that at the end of the prayer He spoke thus: "He that has laid down His life for thee, it is He that speaketh in thee;" and so I awoke full of joy.

Patrick decided to answer this call and return to Ireland, but he was opposed by other bishops and he also suffered a serious illness. Patrick decided that this was for his own good and that he was being purged by the Lord. He finally returned to Ireland in the year 432, arriving not far from the area where he had been a shepherd. He set-up a church in Armagh, which served as his head-quarters, and he traveled throughout Ireland, preaching and baptizing. He usually preached to the chiefs of clans and with their conversion the entire tribe would convert. He also Christianized the old religion, building churches over former Druid holy sites, carving crosses on druidic pillars, and putting sacred wells and springs under the protection of Christian Saints. His conversion of the three High Kings of Ireland put Ireland on the road to becoming a Christian nation. He educated the sons of the chiefs and kings, he established monasteries throughout the land, he ordained clergy and he instituted monks and nuns. The monasteries of Ireland became incredible powerhouses of education and spirituality. He stayed in Ireland for the rest of his life, and probably died around the year 461. We don't know the date of his death, but the celebration of March 17 dates to the seventh century. I doubt that he chased the snakes from Ireland, or that he used shamrocks to explain the concept of the Trinity, and most of the other miracles attributed to him were invented over the centuries. We do know that he was a faithful bishop and loved the people of Ireland.






I will close with the ending paragraphs of Patrick's Confession: Wherfore may God never permit it to happen to me that I should lose His people with He purchases in the utmost parts of the world. I pray to God to give me perseverance and to deign that I be a faithful witness to Him to the end of my life for my God.

And if ever I have done any good for my God whom I love, I beg Him to grant me that I may shed my blood with those exiles and captives for His name, even though I should be denied a grave, or my body be woefully torn to pieces limb by limb by hounds or wild beasts, or the fowls of the air devour it. I am firmly convinced that if this should happen to me, I would have gained my soul together with my body, because on that day without doubt we shall rise in the brightness of the sun, that is, in the glory of Christ jesus our Redeemer, as sons of the living God and joint heirs with Christ, to be made conformable to His image; for of Him, and by Him, and in Him we shall reign.

For His sun which we see rises daily for us because He commands so, but it will never reign, nor will its splendor last; what is more, those wretches who adore it will be miserably punished. Not so we, who believe in, and worship, the True Sun---Christ---who will never perish, nor will he who doeth His will; but he will abide for ever as Christ abideth for ever, who reigns with God the Father Almighty and the Holy Spirit before time, and now, and in all eternity.

Behold, again and again would I set forth the words of my confession. I testify in truth and in joy of heart before God and His holy angels that I never had any reason except the Gospel and its promises why I should ever return to the people from whom once before I barely escaped.

I pray those who believe and fear God, whosoever deigns to look at or receive this writing which Patrick, a sinner, unlearned, has composed in Ireland, that no one should ever say that it was my ignorance if I did or showed forth anything however small according to God's good pleasure; but let this be your conclusion and let it so be thought, that---as is the perfect truth---it was the gift of God. This is my confession before I die.


Patrick was creative in his evangelism, he understood that incorporating what was familiar would do much more to further the message of the Gospel rather than trying to force the Irish into some concept of The Faith Once Delivered. He understood the importance of education and the intellect in Christianity. He was faithful to God and faithful to the Irish. He is an example of a missionary who loved and served the people to whom he had been sent. And that is why we remember him today.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Feast of the Presentation, or Candlemas


A Hymn of Ephrem of Syria

Praise to you, Son of the Most High, who has put on our body.

Into the holy temple Simeon carried the Christ-child and sang a lullaby to him:
"You have come, Compassionate One,
Having pity on my old age, making my bones enter
Into Sheol in peace. By you I will be raised
Out of the grave into paradise."
Anna embraced the child, she placed her mouth
upon his lips, and then the Spirit rested
upon her lips, like Isaiah
whose mouth was silent until a coal drew near
to his lips and opened his mouth.
Anna was aglow with the spirit of his mouth.
she sang him a lullaby:
"Royal Son,
Despised son, being silent, you hear;
Hidden, you see; concealed, you know;
God-man, glory to your name."

Even the barren heard and came running with their provisions.
The Magi are coming with their treasures.
The barren are coming with their provisions.
Provisions and treasures were heaped up suddenly among the poor.

The barren woman Elizabeth cried out as she was accustomed,
"Who has granted to me, blessed woman,
to see your Babe by whom heaven and earth are filled?
Blessed is your fruit
that brought forth the cluster on a barren vine."

Praise to you, Son of the Most Hight, who has put on our body.

Friday, January 06, 2017

Happy Feast of the Epiphany, Everbuddy!


Oh Dios, que por la guía de una estrella manifestaste tu único Hijo a los pueblos de la tierra: Guía a tu presencia a los que ahora te conocemos por fe, para que veamos tu gloria cara a cara; mediante Jesucristo nuestro Señor, que vive y reina contigo y el Espíritu Santo, un solo Dios, ahora y por siempre. Amén.

Christmas is over now, take down yer tree!

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Feast of St. John, Apostle and Evangelist

This is my sermon on St. John

John, son of Zebedee and Salome and younger brother of James, grew up along the shores of the sea of Galilee. Both John and James were followers of John the Baptizer, and John and Andrew were present when John the Baptizer saw Jesus and said, “Behold the Lamb of God!” John was probably one of the earliest disciples of Jesus. Jesus called John and James “Boanerges” which means “Sons of Thunder” and they, along with Peter, where in the Inner Circle of the disciples. These three were blessed with the experience of seeing Jesus transfigured and talking with Moses and Elijah. When the women returned to tell the disciples of the empty tomb, both Peter and John ran to check out their story and John reached the empty tomb first. It was John who recognized the Resurrected Jesus sitting on the beach when they were fishing. According to the gospel attributed to John, Jesus gave the care of his mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary, to John as they stood at the foot of the cross. It was either James and John or their mother who asked Jesus if they could sit at his right and left when he entered his kingdom. We have no idea if they sit on either side of Jesus, but we do know that they shared the same cup as Jesus, the cup of persecution. James died the death of a martyr, but although John died in Ephesus at a very advanced age, he did suffer persecution. Tertullian and Jerome claim that during the persecution of Domatian, John was dipped in a cauldron of boiling oil outside the Latin Gate of the city of Rome. He was unharmed and was exiled to the island of Patmos to work in the mines. It was there that he received the vision which he wrote down and is named the Apocalypse of John the Divine, or the Book of Revelation.

John was the most prolific writer of the Twelve who followed Jesus; only the Apostle Paul left us more writings. John has a gospel attributed to him, the vision of the Apocalypse is attributed to him, and three letters to the Church in Ephesus are attributed to him. According to bishop Eusebius of Cesarea, the fourth century historian, John wrote his gospel because the other three gospels did not deal with the deeds of Jesus at the beginning of his ministry. Eusebius said that John’s gospel was accepted by the Church from the earliest days, as well as the first epistle attributed to him, but that the other two epistles are not accepted by everyone. There was still disagreement as to whether the Apocalypse should be accepted as scripture in the fourth century; Eusebius writes: “In regard to the Apocalypse, the opinions of most men are still divided.” As I mentioned earlier, John moved to Ephesus upon his release from Patmos, and he became a very important part of the Church in Asia. St. Jerome writes that towards the end of John’s life in Ephesus, he was so weak that he could no longer preach or even stand. His young disciples would carry him into the church and, with great difficulty, the Apostle would say: "My dear children, love one another." Some of those in the congregation once asked him why he always said the same thing, why he repeated the same words, and the Apostle answered, "Because it is the precept of the Lord, and if you comply with it, you do enough " He finally died in peace in Ephesus, at about ninety-four years of age. As far as we know, John is the only one of the Apostles who died of old age rather than receiving the crown of martyrdom.

I want to finish by relating a story about the Apostle which Eusebius credits to Clement of Alexandria. This story gives us great insight into the nature of John: "Listen to a tale, which is not a mere tale, but a narrative concerning John the apostle, which has been handed down and treasured up in memory. For when, after the tyrant's death, he returned from the isle of Patmos to Ephesus, he went away upon their invitation to the neighboring territories of the Gentiles, to appoint bishops in some places, in other places to set in order whole churches, elsewhere to choose to the ministry some one of those that were pointed out by the Spirit. When he had come to one of the cities not far away, and had consoled the brethren in other matters, he finally turned to the bishop that had been appointed, and seeing a youth of powerful physique, of pleasing appearance, and of ardent temperament, he said, 'This one I commit to thee in all earnestness in the presence of the Church and with Christ as witness.' And when the bishop had accepted the Charge and had promised all, he repeated the same injunction with an appeal to the same witnesses, and then departed for Ephesus. But the presbyter, taking home the youth committed to him, reared, kept, cherished, and finally baptized him. After this he relaxed his stricter care and watchfulness, with the idea that in putting upon him the seal of the Lord he had given him a perfect protection. But some youths of his own age, idle and dissolute, and accustomed to evil practices, corrupted him when he was thus prematurely freed from restraint. At first they enticed him by costly entertainments; then, when they went forth at night for robbery, they took him with them, and finally they demanded that he should unite with them in some greater crime. He gradually became accustomed to such practices, and on account of the positiveness of his character, leaving the right path, and taking the bit in his teeth like a hard-mouthed and powerful horse, he rushed the more violently down into the depths. And finally despairing of salvation in God, he no longer meditated what was insignificant, but having committed some great crime, since he was now lost once for all, he expected to suffer a like fate with the rest. Taking them, therefore, and forming a band of robbers, he became a bold bandit-chief, the most violent, most bloody, most cruel of them all. Time passed, and some necessity having arisen, they sent for John. But he, when he had set in order the other matters on account of which he had come, said, 'Come, O bishop, restore us the deposit which both I and Christ committed to thee, the church, over which thou presidest, being witness. But the bishop was at first confounded, thinking that he was falsely charged in regard to money which he had not received, and he could neither believe the accusation respecting what he had not, nor could he disbelieve John. But when he said, 'I demand the young man and the soul of the brother,' the old man, groaning deeply and at the same time bursting into tears, said, 'He is dead.' 'How and what kind of death?' 'He is dead to God,' he said; 'for he turned wicked and abandoned, and at last a robber. And now, instead of the church, he haunts the mountain with a band like himself.' But the Apostle rent his clothes, and beating his head with great lamentation, he said, 'A fine guard I left for a brother's soul! But let a horse be brought me, and let some one show me the way.' He rode away from the church just as he was, and coming to the place, he was taken prisoner by the robbers' outpost. He, however, neither fled nor made entreaty, but cried out, 'For this did I come; lead me to your captain.' The latter, meanwhile, was waiting, armed as he was. But when he recognized John approaching, he turned in shame to flee. But John, forgetting his age, pursued him with all his might, crying out, 'Why, my son, dost thou flee from me, thine own father, unarmed, aged? Pity me, my son; fear not; thou hast still hope of life. I will give account to Christ for thee. If need be, I will willingly endure thy death as the Lord suffered death for us. For thee will I give up my life. Stand, believe; Christ hath sent me.' And he, when he heard, first stopped and looked down; then he threw away his arms, and then trembled and wept bitterly. And when the old man approached, he embraced him, making confession with lamentations as he! was able, baptizing himself a second time with tears, and concealing only his right hand, But John, pledging himself, and assuring him on oath that he would find forgiveness with the Saviour, besought him, fell upon his knees, kissed his right hand itself as if now purified by repentance, and led him back to the church. And making intercession for him with copious prayers, and struggling together with him in continual fastings, and subduing his mind by various utterances, he did not depart, as they say, until he had restored him to the church, furnishing a great example of true repentance and a great proof of regeneration, a trophy of a visible resurrection."

John is also called the Apostle of Charity, a virtue which is very much on our minds at this time of year. I will leave you with these words from John’s first epistle, which remind us why we remember him today:"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the parent loves the child. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For the love of God is this, that we obey his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome, for whatever is born of God conquers the world. And this is the victory that conquers the world, our faith. Who is it that conquers the world but the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?"

Shed upon your Church, O Lord, the brightness of your light, that we, being illumined by the teaching of your apostle and evangelist John, may so walk in the light of your truth, that at length we may attain to the fullness of eternal life; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

It's the Thrilling Conclusion of the Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito Christmas Special, Charlie Brown!

Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, Bunrab, tonight's the night! Are you ready?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House As ready as I can be. The rehearsals went much better than expected, and they've decided not to use wires on the angels, gracias a Dios! Are you ready to be the Narrator?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Of course! I love being Narrator.


Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Well, the sleeves are okay, but I'm having trouble holdin' dis stick ting.
¡El Toro! ¿Parecer una oveja? ¿Esta traje engañar a nadie?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Hello Santa, hello Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Kitty Toy, hola ¡El Toro! Are you about ready?
Santa Yes, it's show time! All the costumes are fabulous and our cast are ALL STARS!!!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, good, because these two are on first.

Santa No problem!! Kitty, you are a beautiful shepherd, and all the sheep will follow you anywhere!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Tanks, Santa! Yer not too bad yerself! I gotta get to da stage.
Santa And you! YOU! You are the wooliest little lamb I've ever seen! Yes you are! Yes you are!!
¡El Toro! ¡POR faVOR!


Red Mr. Peanut Bank Welcome to Padre Mickey's Dance Party's Christmas Pageant! We hope that you enjoy all the hard work our cast has put into this production.
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House, whispering Psst! Don't forget las celulares!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Oh, yes! Please turn off your cell phones and pagers, or put them on vibrate. Also, this pageant is for entertainment purposes only. Please, no wagering! And now, our pageant.


Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera In that region there were shepherds living in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night.
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy, whispering No you stand dere, and you, you go ovah dere. An you, jest stan' still!
Ahem, Oh, what a beautiful, quiet nite. I suppose dat nuttin' 'citin' will happen tuhnite.
¡El Toro! Baa. Baa.
Squeaky Gorilla Baa skeek Baa

Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera Then an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Wut da ...
¡El Toro! BAA!! BAA!!
Squeaky Gorilla BAA! skeek BAA!!
Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel Yikes! What is that in the sky?

Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera But the angel said to them
Wooden Kuna Doll Do not be afraid; for see----I am bringin' you good news of great joy for all de peoples: to you is born this day in the city of David (pero not in Chriqui, el otro ciudad David) a Savior, who is the Messiah, the Lord.

Wooden Kuna Doll This will be a sign for you: you will find a child wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger.
Telly Tubbies Ina manger! Ina manger! Da Messiah! Da Messiah!


Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God and saying
The Heavenly Host Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace among those whom he favors!


Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Whoa!!
¡El Toro! BAA!! BAA!!
Squeaky Gorilla BAA! skeek BAA!!
Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel Wow! They're really good!


Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Hey! Let us go now tuh Betlehem and see dis ting what takes place, which da Lowd maked known tuh us!
Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel Sounds good to me! Plus, it's cold out here.
¡El Toro! Baa. Baa.
Squeaky Gorilla Baa skeek Baa
Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel What is that noise?
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Don' ask!


Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera So they went with haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the child lying in the manger.
Gallito Mescalito Shrie Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love SHUSH! Not now!

Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera When they saw this, they made known what had been told them about this child
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy No! Really! Dere wuz angels an' everting!
¡El Toro! Baa. Baa.
Squeaky Gorilla Baa skeek Baa
Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel No, it's true! I saw it with my own eyes, and let me tell you, I know all about angels!


Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera And all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds told them.
Farm animals Yeah, that's some story! Angels, ya say?
The Mighty Moose of Vermont Mooooose. Mooooooose. I am a cow! Mooooose.

Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera But Mary treasured all these words and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all they had heard and seen, as it had been told them.


El Penguino Is this thing over yet? 'Cuz I'm sweatin ta def in this bankie!!!

Red Mr. Peanut Bank Please give our cast a round of applause!


Red Mr. Peanut Bank That ends our program for the evening. There is chicha, sorril, and empanadas in the lobby. Merry Christmas, and Good night!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Okay, now!
Gallito Mescalito ¡¡¡SSSSHHHHHRRRRRIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!

Saturday, December 24, 2016

It's the Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito Christmas Special Part Two, Charlie Brown!

As you recall, last week yesterday the Dance Party Players asked Red Mr. Peanut Bank to help them put on a Christmas Pageant. Our story continues.....


Red Mr. Peanut Bank I love to walk the neighborhood and see all the nacimientos on display. Yikes! That reminds me! I wonder how the Dance Party Christmas Pageant is coming along?


Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Hmmm... Και ποιμενες ησαν εν χωρα τη . . .


Red Mr. Peanut Bank Wow! That's some funny writing. What's going on here?


Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Hello, Red Mr. Peanut Bank! How are you?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Fine, thanks. And you? And what are these books?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House I'm fine. I'm exploring the ancient texts to write the script for the Christmas Pageant.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank How's it coming along?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Well, My Hebrew is terrible but my Greek is okay, so I think I'll have it ready by rehearsal. Have you decided who will play the Baby Jesus?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank No, not yet. Well, I think I'll leave you alone to work.



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Buenas tardes.
Wooden Kuna Doll Buenas tardes, Señor Mani Rojo.
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Buenas tardes, Red Mr. Peanut Bank. We're studying this icon of the Blessed Virgin and the Holy Child. As you know, we both want to play the BVM in the pageant. Have you made a decision on the part yet?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, no. I hope you will both audition tomorrow.
Wooden Kuna Doll ¡Sí, Señor!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love You know we'll be there. Hey, who's going to play the Baby Jesus? The only one around here who looks like the Baby Jesus in that icon is that red Telly Tubbie!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank I don't know. Well, good to see you both!
Wooden Kuna Doll Adios, Señor Mani Rojo.
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Ciao, babe!



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Hi fellas. What's going on here?
El Penguino Oh, hello, Red Mr. Peanut Bank! These guys are all deciding who will be a cow and who will be a sheep.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Who will be what?
El Penguino They've decided they'll arm wrestle. Loser is a cow. Or donkey.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, not that this isn't interesting, but I must run!
Gallito Mescalito ¿Shriek?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank No, I don't know who will play the Baby Jesus yet. Maybe Poh.
Gallito Mescalito ¡SHRIEK!



El Penguino This is terrible. I think I'll go help the angels.



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Santa! What are YOU doing here? Shouldn't you be at the North Pole, or at least at the Mall?
Santa Well, since you won't let me play Joseph in the Christmas Pageant, I offered my help in making costumes. Plus, the elves have it under control at the North Pole, except for those Episcopal Elves who spend all their time doing that Terrible Version of the Macarena! And then there are those Fallen Elves who hang out at Kendall Harmon's place. But I digress. . . Look at all this fabric!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Do you know what you're doing?



Santa Of course I do. Who the heck do you think made all those cute outfits for the elves? I've got a machine, I've got fabric, I've got a tape, and these costumes will be FABULOUS!!!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank, off camera Okay. If you can't trust Santa, who can you trust?



Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Mistah Sanna, sir. Dis sleeve is way too big!
Santa It's not done yet, silly! We just need to take it in a bit!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy But did da shepahds really weah dis color?
Gallito Mescalito Shriek! SHRIEEK!!
Santa What are you talking about, you silly rooster! You are a Vision in that fluffy cotton! Look, Kitty, you will be the most handsome Shepherd ever to hold a crook, and Rooster, you will be the cutest, fluffiest, and most lovable little lamb ever to see the Baby Jesus! Yes you will! You will!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Say, who's gonna be da Baby Jeezus anyway?
Santa How would I know? But I'll bet it will be the sweetest little baby Jesus ever seen since the original!! Maybe it will be Poh!
Gallito Mescalito ¡SHRIEK!



Red Mr. Peanut Bank El Penguino, what is going on here?
Dipsy Woah! WOAH!
El Penguino Well, I thought I do some wire work with the angels
La-la, Poh, and Tinky Winky Dipsy fly! Dipsy fly!
El Penguino So, did you pick a Baby Jesus yet?
Red Mr. Peanut Bank No, not yet. I don't know, this looks somewhat dangerous!
Dipsy Woah! WOOAAOOH!
La-la, Poh, and Tinky Winky Dipsy fly! Dipsy fly!
El Penguino Nah, don't worry. Everything will be fine!!



Gallito Mescalito ¡SHRIEK!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Good Lord! What is going on?
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Dis whole outfit is too big! Sumbuddy hep me!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank This does not look good!
Dipsy Woah! WOOAAOOH!
La-la, Poh, and Tinky Winky Dipsy crash. DIPSY CRASH!
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Hey! I'm trying to write here! You little green weirdo!!
El Penguino Yow! Im outta here!



El Penguino I'm tired. I think I'll climb in this bed and take a nap. Plus, it looks like a good place to hide. Yawn. I wonder who will play the Baby Jesus? Yawn



El Penguino Snnnnnnoooooorrrrrrrre

Friday, December 23, 2016

It's the Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito Christmas Special Part One, Charlie Brown!

Some may doubt this, but we here are the Dance Party are Traditionalists. We are Traditionalists in as far as we have our traditions, sacred traditions, sacred, secret traditions, which you can't learn until you've lived through passed the hazing ritual super fun initiation joke.

We also believe in establishing new, improved traditions. Yes, we are the New Traditionalists. If one lives in the U.S.A., one can not turn on the Television Receiver Machine without seeing traditional Television programs: The Peanuts Christmas Special, The Pee-Wee Herman Christmas Special, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Sarah Palin's Frozen and Blood-soaked Alaskan Christmas, Bad Santa, Naughty Edy the Elf Does the North Pole, and, the classic It's A Hanukkah Christmas This Kawnzaa, Charlie Brown! We, the management and staff of Padre Mickey's Dance Party, present our lovely holiday tradition: the Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito Christmas Pageant Posts. Heck, we figure there must be at least three of you Gentle Readers who missed this last year. Plus, isn't if great to see Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House looking so plump and un-simian or un-chickie like? Of course it is! So, may you all be touched with the Holiday Spirit of over-eating, drinking to excess, insane materialism, and parump-a-pum-pum! Also, instead of running this thang for three weeks, we're going for THREE DAYS this year, so, good for us! ¡Desfrutalo!

Red Mr. Peanut Bank Hello, Gallito Mescalito; how are things?
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek! Shrieky-shrieky-shriek.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, I've noticed that, too, but you know how Padre feels about Advent.


Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek! ¡Shrriieekk!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank That's right. He doesn't care what the rest of the neighborhood is doing; he only wants an Advent Wreath right now.


Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Where did that Christmas decoration come from?


Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank And that! Where did that reindeer come from?


Gallito Mescalito ¡¡SHRRIIIEEEEKKK!!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank AAARRRGGGHH! Where did YOU come from¨_
TP Roll Santa Ho! Ho! Ho! Happy Advent!
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank You need to get out of here for a few weeks!
TP Roll Santa Ho! Ho! Ho!


Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Hey, Bank. Hey, Boid. 'sup?
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Oh, hello, Cat! We were discussing the season.
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy I see dat da neighbohs all gots dere lights and trees up! An' as always, we only gots dat wreath.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, we just chased the TP Santa away!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Well, can't we have jus' a lil' decarashun?
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Okay. I'll put up the Nacimiento Mola.



Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Cool!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Hi boys. Nice backdrop!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Hello, Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love! We've been discussing the season.
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love And Padre Mickey's obsession with Advent?
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Yup!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Say, Red Mr. Peanut Bank, the doggy toys have been talking with me, as well as the rest of the cast, and they want to put on a Christmas Pageant. Would you supervise?
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Yeah!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank A Christmas Pageant!?! Well, I suppose so.
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek! ¡Shrriieekk!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank I'm sorry, Gallito Mescalito; there's no way on earth you could be the Narrator! Maybe you can be Gabriel...
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy I WANNA BE AN ANGEL!!!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank You look more like a shepherd to me; the Chief Shepherd, but a shepherd nonetheless!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Er, I think I'l go tell the others that you are casting right now.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Okay. Thank you, Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love.
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy I know wut yoo means. A shepherd anna angel. Wut's he tinkin'?


Mighty Moose of Vermont and El Penguino Hi, Everybody!
Everybody Hi, guys!
Mighty Moose of Vermont We hear that there may be a Christmas Pageant and we want to participate.
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Hey, Moose! You can be a cow at da manger!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love And El Penguino can be the Baby Jesus!
El Penguino ¿El Divino Niño? ¡PORfaVOR!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, we're still casting. Don't worry.



Diablito Sucio y ¡El Toro! ¡El Tres Reyes! ¡EL TRES REYES!
Squeaky Gorilla Yeah, we wanna be the Free Kings! , skeek
Red Mr. Peanut Bank I'm sorry, but this is a Christmas Pageant. The Three Kings appear at the Epiphany Pageant. What is that noise?
Squeaky Gorilla Sheesh! skeek You sure are strict!skeek What noise?skeek
Red Mr. Peanut Bank THAT NOISE! Look, you guys are going to be shepherds. The Wise Men show up at another pageant.
Diablito Sucio y ¡El Toro! ¿Pastores? ¡Está Bién!
Squeaky Gorilla Okayskeek We'll be shepherds. skeek But keep us in mind for the Epiphany Pageant! skeek


Red Mr. Peanut Bank Hello, Ladies! I suppose you both want to be the Blessed Virgin?
Wooden Kuna Doll Si, Señor.
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love That's right, pal. And you'd best make the CORRECT decision!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Give me a few days, ladies; give me a few days!



Telly Tubbies Wanna be in show! Wanna be in show!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Sure, no problem. You four will be angels.
Telly Tubbies Yay! Big Hug!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Sheesh!



Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel Hi! I want to be a shepherd!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Really? I thought that you would be Michael, the Commander of the Heavenly Host, Praising God and saying: Glory to God!
Guatemalan Apocalyptic Angel But I want to be a shepherd. Or a sheep! Or even a donkey!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, let me think about this...



Toilet Paper Roll Santa Ho! Ho! Ho! I want to be Joseph!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank No! No! No! You won't be in this pageant!
Toilet Paper Roll Santa Darn! Darn! Darn!



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Bunrab! So good to see you! Are you willing to be in our Christmas Pageant?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Yes. I'd love a part if you can spare one.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank I think that you would be great as the Narrator. Also, would you be willing to help me write the script?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Sure! Hey, I think the rooster should play Joseph!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Really? Why?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Because the Holy Family doesn't have any lines! It'll be great!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank We have a week ahead of us!

Will the casting make sense? Will a terrible fight break out between Wooden Kuna Doll and Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love? Will the Pageant include all of Mary Sue's favorite Christmas Carols? Can we drag this out for a few more days? Tune in tomorrow, hopefully, for answers to all these questions!!!

I See You!

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