Saturday, July 04, 2009

Feast of St. Independence Day


St. Independence Day was born on July 4, 1776, in the city of Philadelphia in the British colony of Pennsylvania, or "Penn's Woods," and then again on January 14, 1784, in the city of Philadelphia in the state of Pennsylvania in the newly-formed United States of America.

Also known as "Uncle Sam," St. Independence Day had the amazing power of causing men to enlist in the U.S. military merely by pointing at them. His charism of salesmanship enabled him to sell hot dogs, baseball, beer, and Grateful Dead records.

At the age of 18, young Mr. Day, who had an almost unnatural hankering for apples, wandered about the countryside of the new nation, carrying apple seeds from his home state of Pennsylvania. He created nurseries in the wilderness so that his land-stealing countrymen would have sustenance as they cheated the indigenous people of their ancestral homelands. He negotiated disputes between pioneer settlers and shared his religious beliefs with anyone unlucky enough to get him started on the subject. He wore ragged clothing and a pot on his head, an image which became very popular with young people in the late 1960's and early 1970's, who, in homage to St. Independence Day, called themselves "pot heads." He also cut down many trees as possible in the areas of Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota, with the help of his Big Blue Ox, Babe. After his flirtation with the exciting and ruggedly manly world of the Lumberjack, he rode a tornado down to Pecos, Texas, spending a few years as a cowboy, using a cougar for a horse and harnessing the Rio Grande to water his ranch. He gave up the cowboy life to become a steel-drivin' man. During the early years of the Twenty-first century, he was waterboarded and tortured by members of the Bush administration, but has managed, barely, to survive.

St. Independence Day's contributions to theology are, firstly, the concept that God created the United States of America as a Christian nation to spread the gospel, first throughout the central continent of North America by the means of Manifest Destiny, and then throughout the world as a side-effect of imperial wars, and secondly, the Prosperity Gospel in which God rains cash, cars, and big houses upon those who roll on the floor and swing from the drapes in a spittle-flecked ecstatic state while proof-texting Bible verses. Amazingly, this theology is quite popular amongst the FOCAs.

The Feast of St. Independence Day is celebrated by watching parades, blowing things up, and eating as many hot dogs as possible within a two-minute period.

16 comments:

Matty Boy said...

Drinking and blowing things up. THE American way to celebrate THE American holiday.

Some of your Western hemisphere readers might say, "You know, America is actually The Americas, and extends from the Yukon to Tierra del Fuego."

To which I say, "Not today, buddy. U.S.A.! U.S.A!!"

word verification" crostio

Crostio's are the new cereal with both crosses and halos, and blessed with 33% of your daily requirement of moral fiber. If you find yourself playing with your Crostio's and making tic tac toe positions with the cereal on your spoon, you do not have the requirement of faith necessary to truly enjoy Crostio's!

Grandmère Mimi said...

Padre, you always do a great job with your biographies of the great - saints and sinners, alike.

WV: "fichi", which I could say about your post, but I wouldn't do that.

whiteycat4104 said...

Fantastic piece, Padre! Happy 4th of July to you and the Lovely Mona!

PS-I really enjoyed meeting you in New Jersey.

motheramelia said...

Always informative and entertaining. Sounds like St. Independence Day related to Indiana Jones. Is he a saint as well?

Harry Allagree said...

Well, there you have it...! It's certainly a helluva lot more interesting (and accurate) than the history textbooks I had in RC seminary! Blessings to you and the lovely Mona, dear friend on this July 4th, and I hope you exercised a lot of independence!

WV = caroido, as in "A few people's caroido arteries were about to pop upon reading Padre Mickey's entry today1"

Paul said...

Great post with more truth about our history than one usually gets. I did not hear Independence Day mentioned once yesterday but the night sky all over town was alight with fireworks.

I am glad I could celebrate it online as we reflect on the dream and the disaster alike.

Göran Koch-Swahne said...

Cheeky ;=)

Mary Sue said...

Actually, in the corner of California I inhabited for five glorious days, it's celebrated with fire, more fire, meat grilled over fire, meat buried with fire, meat, meat, meat, sugar, meat, alcohol, cousins, meat, and hummus.

James said...

The picture of Jesus in the flag is just disgusting.

Andy said...

Padre, That last image is a bit unnerving. I'm guessing it was drawn up by some presumptive evalgeli-bapti-costal.

I can't help but thinkin' about Honest Abe's answer to the question, "Is God on our side?" when he said "I just pray we're on His side..."

Brad said...

This is why churches should have nothing to do with the government or the state. The picture is truly weird.
Just as an aside, what percentage of your income do you give as rent to the indigenous peoples for the space you occupy? Because if you don't, you've basically just had a little pity party for yourself and those like you. Your sermonette had about as much to do with 'progressive' values and restitution as spitting on a plant has to do with irrigation.

Spocko said...

He wore ragged clothing and a pot on his head, an image which became very popular with young people in the late 1960's and early 1970's, who, in homage to St. Independence Day, called themselves "pot heads."
HA!

WV "supetar"
as in 'I'm a Supetar hero!"

Padre Mickey said...

Poor Brad,
No sense of humour whatsoever!
As to your aside: I am of Shoshone and Lakota heritage, so why don't YOU pay ME the rent you owe and then return to whatever continent your ancestors were chased from.

Love in Christ,
Padre Mickey

Brad said...

Why don't you post the response I posted, you fucking asshole, bearded wannabe-"priest" freak?

Padre Mickey said...

Brad, I don't know what you're talking about. I have not been monitoring the comments. However, if you continue with your boring posts and the potty-mouthed talking, measures shall be taken.

mmay (MMM) said...

Janet Roth de Levi
29 June 1940 - 29 July 2009

I can't find a working e-mail or phone # for you all.

MMM

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