Friday, April 18, 2008

Friday Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito Blogging


Tonight's debate is brought to you by Best-Lock Construction Toys™, the not-quite-legos-but-they'll-work blocks for cheap missionaries on a budget.



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Good evening, and welcome to Padre Mickey's Dance Party Debate 2008. Tonight we will mock the U.S. political process deal with the Great Issues which threaten our community through a debate. The Dance Party Community is a placid, tranquil, imaginary fever-dream of a community, yet the pressing issues of Padre's lack of inspiration, the attempt at fame and fortune through the establishment of a Facebook Fan Page, the class warfare and discrimination between the Knick-knacks and Doggy Toys, not to mention the Telling of Terrible Jokes which took place for several weeks during Lent have caused some unrest.



Red Mr. Peanut BankTwo leaders of the Dance Party Community, Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House, and Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love will debate these issues in hopes of bringing about closure and restoring peace.



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Our moderators this evening are, from right to left, Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy, known for his strong opinions; ¡El Penguino!, resident smart-aleck and dear friend of the Mighty Moose of Vermont; and finally, Gallito Mescalito, whose contract requires that he appear in every episode of Friday Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito Blogging to deliver his popular catch phrase. Good evening.
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up squeaky Kitty Toy Hey dere, Red Mistah Peanut Bank and people at home!
¡El Penguino! Muy buenas noches a todos.
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!




Red Mr. Peanut Bank Now our candidates will both give an opening statement. Instead of tossing a coin, we decided to go with the more traditional "Ladies First" option, just in case our mothers are watching. Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love? You may begin!




Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Thank you, Red Mr. Peanut Bank. I thank you all for this opportunity to address our community in its time of need. The class warfare between the Knick-knacks and Doggy Toys came to a terrible head with the bad joke telling which took place during Lent. Most especially, the terrible Hippo jokes which not only degrade the Egyptian Museum Hippo community, but all knick-knacks everywhere. There is no reason for such treatment. Just because we knick-knacks live on the book shelf in Padre's office, while the Doggy Toy community lives on the floor throughout the Rectory, there is no reason to make nasty jokes about Hippos. As far as Padre's lack of inspiration is concerned, I think we should send him, the Lovely Mona, and Señorita Chompita Wiggletail, the Cutest Dog in All the Americas on vacation. They should probably take Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito with them.
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Remember, it's not easy to crank these things out every week, so we should all get behind Padre Mickey and the Dance Party Community. Thank you.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Thank you, Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love. And now Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House has the floor.



Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Thank you, Red Mr. Peanut Bank, and good evening to all Dance Party denizens! The biggest threat to this community is the constant chewing, gnawing, tossing-about, tearing, ripping and stuffing-removal practiced by A Certain Dog, whose name I will not use, but whose initials are Señorita Chompita Wiggletail. No one is safe! Mr. Chompita's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy often spends his mornings being mauled by this dog. ¡El Toro! and Squeaky Gorilla have their moments, too. But I spend most of my time either being part of a tug-of-war between Padre and Chompita or quivering in fear that she will find me where she left me, on the couch. This is no way to live! The knick-knacks are safe on the book shelf, gathering dust, but we Doggy Toys live in constant fear of disembowelment. As far as Padre's lack of inspiration is concerned, I agree with the beautiful Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love; we should send them on vacation, especially Chompy!! Thank you for listening, and God Bless the Dance Party, and everyone should show unconditional love to Padre, like KJ, the Queen of the Dance Party!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Thank you, Bunrab. And now we open the floor to our moderators.



Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House, youse done spoken out agin da dangers of da Chompy mauling which threatens each an' every Doggy Toy in da Dance Party community, and I commends ya for it. But dere is a nudder issue which is pressin' on me and I wants ta know yer anser to dis cuestion: Why don't you wear a flag lapel pin? 'Sup wit dat? Doncha know dat da terrist wins when ya don't wear a flag pin on yer lapel?



Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Well, in the first place, I don't have a lapel. I'm a soft-toy rabbit, a NAKED SOFT-TOY RABBIT, FER KRISSAKES!!! And exactly which flag do you think I should be wearing? I was made in China by slave labour and sold in Panamá to expat estadoünidense. Which flag-pin should I wear, Tibet's??!!!?!?!



Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Geeze Loueeze, Cat! Did you think that question through first? We don't wear jackets, let alone lapel pins!!! What the heck's wrong with you?


Red Mr. Peanut Bank Hmmm, well, okay! We will now take a question from the audience. What is your question for the candidates?



Iggy Irene Hello! My name is Iggy Irene. I spend my days making blog comments and talking to this smiling Christmas Tree and annoying Dr. Val.
Smiling Christmas Tree Hiiiiiiii!!! Merry Christmas!!!!!!
Iggy Irene Quiet, tree! My question is for Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love. Do you think that the constant fear of Doggy Attacks makes it difficult for the doggy toys to understand the difficulties of the Knick-knack life-style and our dust allergies?



Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Iggy Irene, I love your hair! But you gotta get rid of that tree!
Smiling Christmas Tree (off camera) Nooo! Merry Christmas!!!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love I think your question is very perceptive. How on earth can the doggy toys, who spend much of their day covered in doggy-spittle even understand the allergies which their betters suffer? I think that what is needed is a serious educational effort. And thank you for your question!!
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!!! Who cares about your allergies? We're getting the stuffing pulled out of us!! Look how thin I am!!!




Red Mr. Peanut Bank We will now return to our August Table of Moderators.
Do you have a question, Gallito Mescalito?
Gallito Mescalito ¡Shriek!
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well, we've met the terms of your contract. Do you have a question, ¡El Penguino!?



¡El Penguino! Yes I do. Thank you, Red Mr. Peanut Bank. I have a question for Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love, A van travels a maximum of 100 km/h. Its speed decreases in proportion with the number of passengers. The van can carry a maximum of seven people. Given that the van can travel 88 km/h with 3 people in the van, what will be the speed of the van when 6 people are on board?



Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love I was told there would be no math.
¡El Penguino! Do you want a hint?
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love No. I was told that there would be no math. You have broken the terms of the agreement of the debate. I will not answer this question.



¡El Penguino! How about you, Bunrab?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Let's see: 100 - 3t = 88, 100 - 88 = 3t
t = 12/3 t = 4 km/h reduction in speed per person
When six persons are on board, the van travels at 100 - 6t = 100 - 6(4) = 76 km/h
¡El Penguino! Right! You've got my vote!!
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love What vote? And I was told there would be NO MATH!!! And what the heck does that question have to do with anything around here? What is wrong with you moderators?



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well! We're going to take another question from the audience. Mr. Mighty Moose of Vermont?
Mighty Moose of Vermont Good evening. Bunrab, you have had the stuffin' pulled out of you, and you are barely recognizable as a rabbit. What is your plan for protecting Doggy Toys from the Wrath of Chompita?



Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House There is only so much a Doggy Toy can do. Let's face it; the fate of a Doggy Toy is to be played with by a Doggy. However, I do believe that Padre and the Lovely Mona could have protected me and stitched me up rather than take photos of Chompy's violent actions. They believe that doggy toys exist at the pleasure of doggies. I disagree.



Red Mr. Peanut BankThank you, Bunrab. Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love, do you have a comment?
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love No. Such is the life of the Doggy Toy.
Red Mr. Peanut Bank Let's take another question from the audience. Mr. Bowtie Bunny?



Bowtie Bunny Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House, you are the filthiest toy in the house. Why, exactly, should I listen to your opinion on anything?
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House Well, we're both rabbits. And we're both soft toys. That should count for something.
Bowtie Bunny Well, while I am a soft toy and a rabbit, I have knick-knack status. I live on the frame of the mirror on Padre's dresser.
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Bowtie Bunny, you are too clean to be a Doggy Toy. You should embrace your inner knick-knackiness and listen to me and the other Shelf-dwellers.



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Okay, we're running out of time. I see that ¡El Toro! and Squeaky Gorilla are waiting in line. What are your questions?



¡El Toro! Er, I can't remember my question. This debate, if that's what you want to call it, is getting boring!



Squeaky Gorilla I wanna know why you guys skeek don't find a place on the shelf for us Doggy Toys so that we won't get ravaged by Chompita. skeek Why don't you snotty knick-knacks do dat?skeek,
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love What is that noise?
Squeaky Gorilla What noise? skeek, I don't hear anything. skeek And I'm asking the questions here!
Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House You do make a noise, Gorilla. And it's kinda annoying!
Squeaky Gorilla Well, I don't hear anything. skeek And watta'bout my question? skeek
Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love Sorry! No room on the shelf for noisy toys!!




Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy Ya needsta loin howta control yer skeekin, Gorilla!
Gallito Mescalito ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡SSSHHHHRRRRIIIIIEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!
Squeaky Gorilla I've had enough of your blabbin', Cat!! skeek,
¡El Toro! Bowtie Bunny, and Mighty Moose of Vermont Yeah! We've had enough, too!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy, Gallito Mescalito, and ¡El Penguin!, OH YEAH?!? WADDAYA GONNA DO 'BOUT IT???


scenes of implied violence


Gallito Mescalito ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡SSSHHHHRRRRIIIIIEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!
Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy I agrees wit you, boid! Let's git outta heah!!!!
The Others RUN!! YA CHICKENS!!!



Red Mr. Peanut Bank Well! That's it for tonight! It seems that the people have taken things into their own hands and have tired of the stupid, vapid, issue-less questions of the Mainstream Press!!! So, for Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love, Bunrab, the Filthiest Toy in the House, and the entire Dance Party Crew, I wish you a good night and a safe return home!!


¡El Penguino! let's see if I can do this: ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡SSSHHHHRRRRIIIIIEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!

11 comments:

Paul said...

Bravi, tutti!

A lovely debate conducted on a level far higher than we have become accustomed to. I give my vote to the agreed-upon notion that el Padre, the Lovely Mona, and Señorita Chompita Wiggletail go on a lovely vacation.

I trust the Primados have garnered enough donations for the True Etc. Church to send them someplace nice.

¡Feliz fin de semana!

Anonymous said...

Trust me, you gotta believe me, I'm only mentioning this for your own good (and the groups welfare)...but:

"El Penguino!, resident smart-aleck and dear friend of the Mighty Moose of Vermont"

I think MM and El P are *more* than just good friends...need I say more?...further, they have been plotting to eh'hm, "covert" other members of the cast...if you know what I mean...most of the other shelf toys are so caught up in their own self-centered fancypantsing they have failed to notice the lurkings of and pink triangular devilment...math or no math, *things* have just not added up since they arrived TOGETHER and then assumed low profiles in the cast (on the shelf...indeed)...this is how take over coversion/infiltration is done. Beware, you've got dog toys to protect who are accustomed to Masochism and will hardly notice the "change"...and for the girls? Well, between you and me, I wouldn't wanna meet Iggy Irene in a dark alley (did you check the bone structure and dark shadow under the chin/s?).

I knew you'd want to know in time.

Perhaps we can have some of them "fixed"...but then, that would probably just add to the confusion and moral decay.

Juan Jay Matt Armstrong Kennedy-Liberace Orombi Jinezer

Matty Boy said...

Well, I suppose it was bound to happen. If I am going to talk about the age of the universe and the Creator of the universe on my blog, it was only a matter of time before Padre Mickey would start doing math on his.

I blame myself.

FranIAm said...

Oh Matty, it is not your fault!

This is a post of spectacular proportions.

That said- the vacation is in order for the Lovely Mona and La Chompitessa.

You know I have a special place in my heart for Bunrab. Seeing Bunrab upright like that made my heart flutter.

David |däˈvēd| said...

Juan Jay Matt Armstrong Kennedy-Liberace Orombi Jinezer

Must be related to every damnable closet-case/public scandal to ever have existed!

Anonymous said...

Winne Ruth Judd

Leopold and Loeb

Doomsfield Harbinger

Zealot Dumpling

Jack the Zipper

We gotta turn this production company upside/down before Bunrab is coverted and worse.

Bruce (I'll be wearing a purple shirt with cranberry juice stains)

Anonymous said...

I loved the microphone...I laughed so loud that I was joined by someone in another part of the house...just to see what is so funny.

You didn't?

Did you make it?

It's wonderful, you spoil us.

Leonardo Ricardo C.B.

Jane R said...

ROTFLOL and LMAO. Brilliant.

Yes! Vacations For Missionaries! The new cry of the people!

Miss Iggy Irene is definitely a drag queen.

Padre Mickey said...

Thanks, everyone. Leonardo, thanks for noticing the microphones. They are cuff links. I've thought they looked like mics since I was a kid.

susan s. said...

Well, I was just going to say how clever you were with the cufflinks, because it didn't look like anyone had noticed, but of course I was too late again. But I do think they are clever, or rather you are clever to think that way! Oh well!

camilynn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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