Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Join Us! JOIN US!!!!

The Annual Very Special Day in April Message from The Most Blessed Primados of The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™, His Holiness the Rt. Rev. Red Mr. Peanut Bank, Bishop of All Legumes and Vegetables, and his Most Shriekiness, the Rt. Rev. Gallito Mescalito, to the Entire World.

We, the Most Blessed Primados of The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™, remind you that we are here for you. Are you a Bishop up for presentment or deposition in your own church? Are you a Rector accused some sort of monkey-business with parish funding? Are you the kind of man who wants to say "Hey sister, no gurl is gonna be the bossa me!" to a certain PB because, well, let's be honest: deep down inside you know she's smarter and nicer and better than you? Did you leave your Fundamentalist Protestant church for a High-church parish because you loved the vestments and ceremony, but are having second thoughts because the incense and bells scare the snakes? Is that uppity organist refusing to teach the choir those lovely praise choruses you learned during your visit to Saddleback Church to see Rick Warren? Are you already exhausted by looking out the window of your rectory in Leesburg or Bakersfield and having to pretend that what you see outside is downtown Abuja or Buenos Aires? Or are you thinking of expanding your ministry to multi-faith status, working as an Anglican/Buddhist priest or Moslem/Episcopalian/Mennonite minister? Perhaps you are interested in investigating the possibilities of a Wiccan/Charismatic/Liturgical Baptist church but your bishop has put the kibosh on the idea because he has absolutely no idea of the importance of congregational development? Are you feeling persecuted and oppressed because your Vestry refused to even consider your Second-century-style nude baptisms at the Easter Vigil a couple of weeks ago? Well, we are the church for you!!! We are your "Safe Haven!" We, The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™, don't give a good ding-dang what you believe as long as you declare your obedience and allegiance to our Primados and our dedicated servant, the Decreasingly Reverend Yet Increasingly Transparent and Holy Ghostliness Padre Mickey de Panamá AND pay our initiation fee of $500,000.00 U.S. in a certified cheque made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or CASH. Everyone with $500,000.00 U.S. is a bishop and can give themselves whatever crazy**s title desired! Do you want to be Patriarch of All Peru? $500,000.00 says you are! We know that the future Metropolitan and Archbishop and Most Sacred Shepherd of All Newark is out there, all she needs is to cough up the $500,000.00 and she's in!! Our core doctrines are explained here, but it's the $500,000.00 certified cheque to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven which clinches the deal.
Our church is full of bishops; heck, you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting some multi-coloured mitre! What's twenty more? Heck, the more the merrier, we say! Just look at some of the folks who are in discernment in regards to The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™!

We received the following letter from a certain "Gregorio" somewhere South of the Border. "Gregorio" writes: Estimado Primados; I am in a bit of a pickle. I am the Presiding Bishop humble priest in a small Anglican province. Our methods of evangelism have been less than successful. As my fellow bishop good buddy "Frank" said, "No body is buying what we're selling; only ex-pats show any interest. We need to pick up some churches 'help' from up North!" So we did; a few churches little "help" here, a little "help" there, and we even recently acquired a small diocese found quite a bit of "help" in California. However, "Frank" recently swapped some of the "help" to some Africans for a bunch of magic beans, and some of the Californian "help" is having second thoughts. Also, I want a better title than "Presiding Bishop" and it sounds like "Pete" wants to be the boss of that new church club he's starting, so I'll just be another one of the regulars. Can you "help" me? Yours, "Gregorio"

Our response: Well, "Gregorio," we can relieve you of all that help. If you can scare up the $500,000.00 you'll never have to seek "help" again; you can call yourself what ever you want and be your own boss (kinda)! Maybe you should ask "Johnnie-Dave" for the $500,000.00; everyone knows those gringos are rich!

We also received a letter from someone who calls himself RWABC. He writes: Dear Bishops Red Mr. Peanut Bank and Gallito Mescalito; When I agreed to this job I thought I would get to travel the world and meet nice people and eat exotic food. Well, I do get to do all that, but I also have to deal with all manner of nasty bickering and fighting from two gangs groups of "Christians." There is a lot of polarization between the "North Americans" and the "Global Southerners." Every ten years I throw a big honkin' blow-out of a party at the palace house and invite everyone. Well, almost everyone. I don't invite "certain" people as I really dislike fist-fights and food tossing. Well, now one group is angry because I didn't invite "Big Gene the Dancing Machine" and another group is mad because I didn't invite the hundreds of bishops they ordained in one of those ceremonies which look like one of Rev. Sun Myung Moon's weddings. Lots of people are threatening to skip my party, and the "southerners" (Donatus' All Boy Club) is threatening to hold their own party, even though 'Wani o' Jerusalem told them he didn't want them there. I'm quite frustrated and am tempted to call the whole thing off! What shall I do?
Yours in Christ, RWABC

Our response: Well, RWABC, sounds like a nasty piece of business. Our research reveals that you already have a Very Impressive Title, so, tell you what: £1,000,000.00 and we'll work it all out. Perhaps just having them all over for pizza and beer and Simpson's re-runs will smooth it all out! Once the cheque clears will tell you what to do!

Finally, we received this correspondence from a certain "Pedro." He writes:
Dear Bank and Bird; My friends and I are interested in starting our own church. We don't want to join your church; you have way too many weirdos and unholy types. We are starting a new church which is really the Most Ancient, Pure, Holy, Apostolic, Untainted, Fresh-as-a-daisy Church. No girls or homos, either! You are obviously quite successful, and we want to know your secret. Tell us the secrets! The IRD our Very Good Friends are willing to pay you up to $999,999.00 for this information. Also, you must provide the information in an unthreatening manner, as we Africans don't like anyone to tell us how to do things unless their name is Marty or Chris. You are not the boss of us! We are Godly people and you must do as we ask! Now!
Yours, Pedro.

Our response: Well, "Pedro," forget it! You either join our church or you are cast into outer darkness. It's our way or the highway, pal! It'll take a lot more than $999,999.00 for us to help you. If we want £1,000,000.00 from RWABC, who has a much more grand title than you, for help, why on earth would we give you advice at cut-rates? You need to think these things though! And we have important titles! NOBODY calls us Bank and Bird!! Also, if you ban the "homos," as you so colourfully put it, who are you going to get for organists? No wonder you Evangelicals like "praise choruses" so much!

Yes, no matter what Benny or anyone else tries to tell you, The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™ is the only true church. You know it's true because it's in our name! A certified cheque for $500,000.00 made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or CASH, is all that stands between you and beautiful episcopal vestments. Yes, YOU can wear purple all the time!! Join us! JOIN US!!!!!!

19 comments:

Matty Boy said...

I am glad to see that, in spite of our doctrinal differences, both of us could independently of one another, work in the phrase You're not the boss of me! into our posts on this Very Special Day.

KFJC = Kids For Jesus Christ!
(Or at least it should have, at least once.)

Caminante said...

Muy bien hecho. Vamos a ver si la primada de Newark va a pagarte tus $5M.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Brilliant, Padre, absolutely brilliant. I hope the checks and letters keep coming in. You should get the Nobel Blogger Prize for this and and for your many previous brilliant posts.

johnieb said...

Padre, is that one of those 2nd century baptisms you are playing for in the picture?

I'm ready to learn an instrument, or sing Praise songs: whatevah.

The check, of course, is in the mail.

Kirstin said...

Beautiful. I love this!

Doorman-Priest said...

Most enjoyable. I'm glad to see your church has CREE-DEN-SHULS!

Judith said...

You have me howling with laughter. But I hope you're not waiting for the checks to arrive!

ginny s. said...

Best post ever! And it's not even Friday yet.

And how dare that Pedro address our friends as "Bank" & "Bird"? Has he no respect? Can I get a shrieeeeeeeeekk?

Mary Clara said...

Wow, Padre, it sure is a relief to hear from our spiritual leaders on this great feast day. It has been awhile since we received one of their inspirational messages. Glad to see things are progressing well in the one true church, with the cheques rolling in and the mitres virtually flying off the shelves!

FranIAm said...

I see the Holy Spirit has been hard at work inspririn' you 'n stuff, down there in Panama.

Very hilarious - very!

David |däˈvēd| said...

I was keeping a straight face until I got to this line;

but are having second thoughts because the incense and bells scare the snakes?

Then I lost it! That just tickles me for some reason.

Lapinbizarre said...

Do I see new cast members in the ensemble scene?

Anonymous said...

I stopped keeping a straight face many years ago because I cracked up...but, I'd be willing to be on the Learing Committee and interview these desperate folks/blokes...nothing I'd enjoy better than do a wide-smiled close-up with Gregorio (do you think I could make him chant or flinch or twitch?) or Pedro for a really floozie doozie of an abrazo...I think these dudes ought prove their REAL manhood before they are allowed to pay-up and then, maybe, become part of the struttin and crowing RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG
crowd!

If April is here, can The Misty Month of May be far behind?
Line forms at the rear Petey and Gregorio...RWABC, please do something with all that hair...I know a wonderful groomer at Bergdorfs salon...he's got magic hands!

Beauty is in the eyes of the behelden.

Are you certain this is el Martes? Where am I? Who ought I be?

(great outburst, Padre)

Evelyn Rushington-Gonzales (not related)

Rowan said...

To the Decreasingly Reverend Yet Increasingly Transparent and Holy Ghostliness Padre Mickey de Panamá:

You promised me that you would keep my correspondence confidential. Yet again, I am betrayed.

Paul said...

Lo que dijo David.

The incense and bells and snakes bit just pushed me over the top.

What a hoot.

Keep on 'vangelizing, lads, we gots lotsa ministry in Panamá to fund (and perhaps a nice retirement home).

Anonymous said...

Keep on 'vangelizing, lads, we gots lotsa ministry in Panamá to fund (and perhaps a nice retirement home).
Paul
10:55 PM

"What nice retirement home," he stated briskly after thinking about visions of Christmas future.

don Dunbarton Bridget

Ginny said...

"Did you leave your Fundamentalist Protestant church for a High-church parish because you loved the vestments and ceremony, but are having second thoughts because the incense and bells scare the snakes?"

Padre, you owe me $100,000 (CANADIaN) for wear and tear on the cat, owing to the hysterical laughter engendered by this statement and his subsequent 10 o'clock freakout. I specify Canadian funds only because the US dollar is still dropping like a rock and what the heck, I like Canada, eh?

Or, can my pet be ordained as a gatto episcopo? That might make up for it. He'd look pretty cute in a pointy hat.

And when I stopped laughing, I re-read that line and said, "By Jorge, I think he's got it." Who knew snakes were such scaredy cats?

John-Julian, OJN said...

Padre, I think you outdid yourself on this one! It is utterly unequaled! Congratulations.

Kate Morningstar said...

Ginny, you don't want to put your Cat in a Pointy Hat, even for our wonderful Canadian dollars. Didn't you see the nasty things someone said to Clumber, over at Grandmere Mimi's?

The True, Really, I Mean It, Church!!! I love it! Where can I sign up?

Gracias, Padre.

I See You!

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