Friday, July 04, 2008

Feast of St. Independence Day


St. Independence Day was born on July 4, 1776, in the city of Philadelphia in the British colony of Pennsylvania, or "Penn's Woods," and then again on January 14, 1784, in the city of Philadelphia in the state of Pennsylvania in the newly-formed United States of America.

Also known as "Uncle Sam," St. Independence Day had the amazing power of causing men to enlist in the U.S. military merely by pointing at them. His charism of salesmanship enabled him to sell hot dogs, baseball, beer, and Grateful Dead records.

At the age of 18, young Mr. Day, who had an almost unnatural hankering for apples, wandered about the countryside of the new nation, carrying apple seeds from his home state of Pennsylvania. He created nurseries in the wilderness so that his land-stealing countrymen would have sustenance as they cheated the indigenous people of their ancestral homelands. He negotiated disputes between pioneer settlers and shared his religious beliefs with anyone unlucky enough to get him started on the subject. He wore ragged clothing and a pot on his head, an image which became very popular with young people in the late 1960's and early 1970's, who, in homage to St. Independence Day, called themselves "pot heads." He also cut down many trees as possible in the areas of Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota, with the help of his Big Blue Ox, Babe. After his flirtation with the exciting and ruggedly manly world of the Lumberjack, he rode a tornado down to Pecos, Texas, spending a few years as a cowboy, using a cougar for a horse and harnessing the Rio Grande to water his ranch. He gave up the cowboy life to become a steel-drivin' man. During the early years of the Twenty-first century, he was waterboarded and tortured by members of the Bush administration, but has managed, barely, to survive.

St. Independence Day's contributions to theology are, firstly, the concept that God created the United States of America as a Christian nation to spread the gospel, first throughout the central continent of North America by the means of Manifest Destiny, and then throughout the world as a side-effect of imperial wars, and secondly, the Prosperity Gospel in which God rains cash, cars, and big houses upon those who roll on the floor and swing from the drapes in a spittle-flecked ecstatic state while proof-texting Bible verses. Amazingly, this theology is quite popular amongst the FOCAs.

The Feast of St. Independence Day is celebrated by watching parades, blowing things up, and eating as many hot dogs as possible within a two-minute period.

17 comments:

Jane R said...

ROTFLOL! Brilliant.

You forgot to mention that he is ruggedly masculine (well, one could kind of figure that out from his various exploits) and heterosexual. (Is his wife kind of like Mrs. Claus?)

Grandmère Mimi said...

Padre, wicked! A PIMP moment for me, you naughty man. And you a priest. Tell the Lovely Mona that's an acronym, if she objects. Not that the meaning of the acronym is much better.

johnieb said...

Hooah!

Bestest St. Independence Daze litany I have seen today (so far).

Will Cold Salmon and an Onion Bagel do for a Hot Dog? Course it will! Iz Independent as a Hog on Ice, as it says in the Book of the Razorback: 1:9 (Version somewhat edited 'cause it's better that way)

Padre Mickey said...

Iz Independent as a Hog on Ice Uncle Vernon, is that you?

Matty Boy said...

I luvs it when you 'splains the religion stuff.

FranIAm said...

In the name of the Fadda, the Sun and the 'Murkan flag, just like God planned it!

yeeeeeehaaaaaaa!

Tobias Haller said...

Thanks, Padre Mickey for this little known section of the Golden Legend. As to St Day's heterosexuality; well, he may have been overcompensating for the traditional costume. I mean, stripes AND stars? Even Jesus looks a little uneasy in that getup.

Lapinbizarre said...

G-ddamn hippies, dressing up in the flag and desecrating it!

Diane said...

hah!

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Great fun! Thanks for explaining it all so clearly. Marilyn

it's margaret said...

Hey --it looks like Jesus was just gonna lift his hand with a peace sign... glad you lopped it off. wouldn't want none of that peace stuff...

Is there a special liturgy we should know about for such an important saint? --surely there is...

Thank you Padre. This is a hoot!

Lapinbizarre said...

A friend raised in a former French colony told me that one of their servants had a kid called "Fête Nat". When the friend's parents inquired into this odd name, they were told that it was customary in those parts to name a child for a saint listed on the calendar for the day of the child's birth. The kid was born on July 14th.

I am assured that this story is true.

Tengrain said...

And all this time I thought it was celebrated by sheets on discount at Macy's.

Regards,

Tengrain

pj said...

Of course America is a Christian nation! Jesus himself was born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Seriously! Those steel workers couldn't be expected to do their own carpentry, you know.

Kirstin said...

Oh, this is brilliant!

Lauralew said...

OMG! Thanks for articulating what I've thought for years! This is great!

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