Tuesday, July 10, 2007

A Message From the Primados of The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™

The Most Blessed Primados of The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™, His Holiness the Rt. Rev. Red Mr. Peanut Bank, Bishop of All Legumes and Vegetables, and his Most Shriekiness, the Rt. Rev. Gallito Mescalito.



We have read the words of the Bishop of Rome of the Italian Church as published here, and we must tell him: Just because you believe it, doesn't make it true. Have you seriously read the history of the Church? Yer jest the Bishop of Rome, for goodness sake! We, the Primados of The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG are the only True Expression of Christ's Church. We know this to be true because it is in the SECOND NAME of our church: The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™. If it were not so, how could we obtain a Trade Mark?

We, in our infinite mercy, welcome you into The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™ and you may keep what ever title you already have, except, perhaps that "Vicar of Christ" business. We, of the The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™ believe that All Christians are Vicars of Christ and should behave that way. But we digress; you may keep all your other titles as long as you send us a Certified Cheque for $500,000.00 U.S. made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or C.A.S.H. This is the exact same offer we extend to everyone else; you aren't getting charged anymore or any less than anyone else. If you decide to continue in your Errant Ways, you will be recognised as one of the Wounded Churches. Sorry, we don't make the rules (well, actually we do, but our claims are as valid as yours!) we just 'splain 'em.

And, most importantly, ¡Shriek! ¡¡Shriek!! ¡¡¡SSHHHRRRRIIIIEEEEEEKKK!!!

11 comments:

MadPriest said...

If only everything in life could be so straightforward and 'splained proper. I know where I'm sending my
$500,000.00 U.S. and it ain't somewhere in Italy!

Mary Clara said...

Well, thank goodness you got His Inflatedness sorted out. He was really starting to piss me off.

The boys have got luscious new mitres and beautiful -- copes? is that what they are? Ooooooh, I am having an ecclesiastical swoon!

PseudoPiskie said...

Shriek!!!!!

Heidi said...

I knew they shouldn't have elected a German Pope - I know because I'm part German (no offense to anyone I might offend) I was rooting for years for Cardinal Martini - he eould have been a lot more fun - I know he would have liked Mr. Peanut Bank

Judith said...

Gee, I'm sure glad the Pope cleared this up for me. And here all this time I thought my Episcopal Church was the Real Thing. Jeez, you never know!

MadPriest said...

I'm not so sure about Cardinal Martini. I have a feeling that he would have left the Church shaken but not stirred.

I know - kindly leave the stage.

Exit left.

eileen said...

What the boys said (with their lovely new copes, I'm jealous!)

You know, Padre, they need some lovely red Prada shoes now.

I think that THAT is the hallmark of the True Church. Ya better get on that right quick!

A-shriiiiiiiiiiiiiek-men.

Sean said...

blasphemer! you are right to say that there is only one true church, but you make no mention of the one true FSM.

Mark said...

Well, they chose a Bavarian, didn't they? That's the problem. Combination of German authoritarianism and a purely Bavarian flair for the over-rich and melodramatic. He's a Schlagobertorte(sic) with ultimate authority!

Grandmère Mimi said...

Since I don't have $500,000 on hand, I shall remain, for now, in a wounded church - a wounded bird in a wounded church. I assure you, good Padre, that as soon as I can save the money, I will write a check to C.A.S.H., if I don't die first.

Oh! I had a thought. Perhaps you provide senior discounts.

Jarred said...

Now this was funny!

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