Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Heterosexual Questionnaire


I nicked this from Inarticulate Fumblings, but the photo was my idea


This questionnaire is for self-avowed heterosexuals only. If you are not openly heterosexual, pass it on to a friend who is. Please try to answer the questions as candidly as possible. Your responses will be held in strict confidence and you anonymity fully protected.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

6. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

8. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they'd face?

9. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

10. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

11. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his learnings?

12. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

13. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

14. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

Please answer in the Comments Section
I don't think Victor and my Seminary Default answers of "uh, God?" "uh, Jesus?" or "uh, the Bible?" will quite work here.

16 comments:

Paul said...

Dat is one wicked photo choice, Padre. Fortunately, I don't gots ta answer!

Mary Clara said...

Well, Padre Mickey, I confess that while I suffered from some unfortunate early influences (having grown up in a family with one male and one female parent), my serious heterosexual leanings were probably caused by exposure to Rock Hudson movies, especially 'Magnificent Obsession' which I saw at an impressionable age (probably in 1952). I have never really recovered, despite years of therapy and the revelation many years later that Rock was oh so gay. This may be because after the initial imprinting on my nubile psyche of the Rock Hudson image I was further led astray by the allure of Gregory Peck who over the succeeding decades, right up until his death, never lost his appeal to my by then hopelessly derailed erotic sensibility. My condition was further aggravated when I entered into a heterosexual marriage with an extremely cute and loveable person of the opposite sex, whose charms have kept me ensnared in my unfortunate perversion for nearly four decades. If this is a phase, I am evidently not taking the correct vitamins to help me grow out of it. I have tried my own home method of aversion therapy (looking at fotos of repellent males such as GW Bush, Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, etc. while listening to romantic movie themes and slathering myself with melted chocolate) but it hasn't helped. Is there any hope for me?

Padre Mickey said...

Well, Mary Clare, what can we do? Some of us were born heterosexual, and we can't change it. The actors I find attractive are Kajo, Rani Mukerjee, and Mahuri Dixit. As much as I enjoyed David Bowie's Glam period, and as much as I loved Tim Curry in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the truth is that the Lovely Mona has my heart. You know, God works through heterosexuals just as much as God works through homosexuals, and the sooner we all accept this fact, the sooner the Reign of God will appear.

johnieb said...

I'm sorry, Padre, but I find that totally disgusting.

Which may have a bearing on my affliction.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for those pastoral words, Padre. I feel a lot better now. I think I will say my prayers and go to sleep. And probably dream about Gregory Peck, who I feel sure has a definite role to play in the good times to come under the Reign of God.

Mary Clara said...

That 'anonymous' was me, Mary Clara.

'Nite, now.

Padre Mickey said...

Thanks for identifying yourself, Mary Clara, 'cuz usually "Anonymous" is Leonardo Ricardo in one of him thousand incarnations!

susan s. said...

I agree with a lot of what Mary Clara said, but I must say that I think God made me heterosexual. I absolutely knew I was heterosexual when I saw 'Gone With the Wind' but had felt that I had tendencies at a much younger age. I was drawn to Cowboy shows on television and Lash LaRue( he had a whip he used to defeat his enemies) at the movie houses. Gregory Peck was also an influence on my continued Heterosexuality, especially 'Roman Holiday,' and later 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' and even now in a later movie he made called 'The Old Gringo.' The man was a sex symbol for me until the day he died.

Being a singer, I was also greatly influenced by Bobby Darin, a singer who can still give me really good feeling even tho he is no longer with us(thanks be to God for youtube). And of course JS Bach, the great Baroque Heterosexual composer is also one of my favorite men.

Unlike Mary Clara, I try not to look at the repulsive males she has used for aversion therapy, as they only make me sick, and I have no real need to change my sexuality as God and my husband love me as I am.

seithman said...

Just to add a couple questions of my own:

15. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is merely your way of trying to compensate for a distant opposite sex parent during early childhood?

16. Have you ever had a same sex sexual experience? If not, how can you be sure you're not really gay?

-- Jarred.

Paul said...

Jarred,

I like #15. As to #16, I have never had an opposite sex sexual experience yet I am as certain as a human can be of anything this side of glory that I am not straight.

seithman said...

Paul: I agree with you. And that's exactly my point. I've had people ask how I can be sure I'm gay despite the fact I've never been with a woman. So I figured I'd add #16 in the same spirit of "turnabout is fair play" as the rest of the questionairre was written in.

-- Jarred.

Paul said...

I figured as much, Jarred.

FranIAm said...

Really for me it just boiled down to my endless need to always "be different."

Oh.

Nevermind. Heterosexual isn't that different. Neither is LGBT if you ask me, but what the hell do I know?

Saint Pat said...

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

Actually, it was a lifestyle choice I suddenly decided on one day, out of the blue, when I was 21 years old, after feeling those stirrings since I was 9 years old.


2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

See above. I think maybe I was a victim of the Heterosexual Agenda. There were all those movies with heterosexual young men and hot young rock singers. The entertainment business is full of them. I tried to focus on K.D. Lang, but my eyes kept turning toward Bon Jovi or Rod Stewart. I was powerless to resist. And all those heterosexual novelists, too. Damn you, Stephen King!


3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

Maybe in 50-60 years. Anyone who can't outrun my wheelchair will look good.


4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Yes. Especially Chloris Leachman. And Rosie O'Donnell.

5. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

Only a select few. They mostly laughed at me. But there have been a few guys who just seemed so understanding, it led to, well, you know.

6. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

They want to rule the world, which they can do if they make everyone JUST LIKE THEM. They have that Straight Agenda.


7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

I just can't help it. I try to keep my sexual orientation a secret, but my true self just keeps breaking out all over, and I break into a chorus of "Steam Heat."

8. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they'd face?

GOD, NO. I'd want them to be asexual. No worries.


9. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

It's hard being heterosexual. We see how great the gays have it and get demoralized.

10. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

Well, there are still wars, ethnic cleansings, global warming, bird flu, auto accidents, nuclear plant accidents, mad cow disease, terrorists and stupidity to reduce the population. And that's even without factoring in George W. Bush.

11. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his learnings?

Those heterosexual therapists are so damn sneaky. The last one almost turned me into a fundamentalist before I realized it.


12. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

Huh? Silly me. I'm just a dumb blonde.

13. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

Most of us aren't. It's just the flamboyant few who give the rest of us a bad name. Like Paris Hilton.


14. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. After all, you never deliberately chose to be heterosexual, did you? Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

I've had inadvertent aversion therapy by dating a few men who turned out to be disgusting pigs. I developed quite an aversion to them. But as long as the world has its Gregory Pecks, Johnny Depps, Russell Crowes, Matt Damons, George Clooneys and (still) Sean Connerys, along with my environmentalist hunks, I'm doomed to heterosexuality. Why, all it takes is one old Jimmy Stewart movie to undo my aversion therapy.

Paul said...

Great responses, Saint Pat. I'm so glad I checked this thread again.

I think God accepts her heterosexual children too, just as they are. And since I don't believe in straight cooties, here's a big old cyberhug.

(((((Pat)))))

Saint Pat said...

Oh, thank you Paul! I'll take your hugs, with or without cooties! A big (((((Paul))))) hug back.

We are both children of God, so I call you brother.

I See You!

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