Greetings to all on this Most Holy Feast of the Fools of April (or Feast of St. Frederick Denison Maurice for all you Christian Socialist types)!
Just as we have in the past, remind you that we are here for you. Are you a Bishop up for presentment or deposition in your own church? Are you a Rector accused some sort of monkey-business with parish funding? Are you the kind of man who wants to say "Hey sister, no gurl is gonna be the bossa me!" to a certain PB because, well, let's be honest: deep down inside you know she's smarter and nicer and better than you? Did you leave your Fundamentalist Protestant church for a High-church parish because you loved the vestments and ceremony, but are having second thoughts because the incense and bells scare the snakes? Is that uppity organist refusing to teach the choir those lovely praise choruses you learned during your visit to Saddleback Church to see Rick Warren? Are you already exhausted by looking out the window of your rectory in Leesburg or Bakersfield and having to pretend that what you see outside is downtown Abuja or Buenos Aires? Or are you thinking of expanding your ministry to multi-faith status, working as an Anglican/Buddhist priest or Moslem/Episcopalian/Mennonite minister? Perhaps you are interested in investigating the possibilities of a Wiccan/Charismatic/Liturgical Baptist church but your bishop has put the kibosh on the idea because he has absolutely no idea of the importance of congregational development? Are you feeling persecuted and oppressed because your Vestry refused to even consider your Second-century-style nude baptisms at the Easter Vigil next week? Where are you going to go?
Some of you are probably perplexed and troubled by the alphabet soup of the various
Well, we are the church for you!!! We are your "Safe Haven!" We, The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™, don't give a good ding-dang what you believe as long as you declare your obedience and allegiance to our Primados and our dedicated servant, the Decreasingly Reverend Yet Increasingly Transparent and Holy Ghostliness Padre Mickey de Panamá AND pay our initiation fee of $500,000.00 U.S. in a certified cheque made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or CASH. Everyone with $500,000.00 U.S. is a bishop and can give themselves whatever crazy**s title desired! Do you want to be Patriarch of All Peru? $500,000.00 says you are! We know that the future Metropolitan and Archbishop and Most Sacred Shepherd of All Newark is out there, all she needs is to cough up the $500,000.00 and she's in!! Or perhaps you awoke this morning realizing that God wants you to be the Most Holy, Happy, Rock 'n' Rolly, Super-duper, Never-To-Be-Questioned-or Doubted Big Deal Bishop of All Newcastle Upon Tyne and the Chapel of Sts. Laika and Grendel. If you've got a cheque (and it clears), you'll receive a mitre and crozier! Our core doctrines are explained here, but it's the $500,000.00 certified cheque to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven which clinches the deal.
Our church is full of bishops; heck, you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting some multi-coloured mitre! What's twenty more? Heck, the more the merrier, we say!
We want to be clear about something: It costs nothing to join The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™. It does cost $500,000.00 US in a certified cheque made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or C.A.S.H. TO BE A BISHOP in the Church™. We've got plenty of deacons and priests, and most of them are broke. We're going for those who, although they believe they have a call to the episcopate, can't even get the Global South bishops to include them in the purple shirt club.
So, what are the advantages of joining The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™?
Clean, attractive, enthusiastic youth
Regular Beach Party/Mission Trips
You paid $500,000.00. You're the Bishop. YOU decide what kind of worship takes place in your diocese:
Maybe. . .
Er, Possibly. . .
Well, since your cheque cleared, we guess so. . .
Cool T-shirt Evangelism (this is not a joke. Available at Dance Party Store of Love! for only $16.00! Cheap!)
Actual t-shirt text
Lots of dancing!
No matter what anyone else tries to tell you, The Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™ is the only true church. You know it's true because it's in our name! Do you want to be a bishop? A certified cheque for $500,000.00 made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or CASH, is all that stands between you and beautiful episcopal vestments. Yes, YOU can wear purple all the time!! Join us! JOIN US!!!!!!