This Evening's Cast:
Hank Boromi de Daguna Mr. Chompy's Chewed-up Squeaky Kitty Toy
Kafy fum Noo Yoik Miss Laa-Laa, the Over-The-Top Telly Tubby
The Grand Tufti Red Mr. Peanut Bank
Primada Kafrin Miss Egyptian Hippo of Love
Gregorio Vacabulls ¡El Toro!
Gallito Mescalito as Himself
Ahem! AH-hem! AHEM!! Over here!
Hank It's about time you pointed your camera over here! Good Evening, I am Most Blessed Primate Hank Boromi, Archbishop of All Daguna, and this is my dear friend Most Blessed Primate Gregorio Vacabulls, Archbishop of the Suffrin' Comb. We are both FOCAs, which, as you know, means Fine Old Crochity Anglicans, and Very Important Primates of GAFCON, which, of course, stands for Gentle Affirming Friendly Christians Obliterating Northerners.
Gregorio That's right, Hank! Even though I am, technically, an English citizen and, therefore, a Northerner, I'm all for chuckin' 'em all out of the WWAC.
Hank Now, FOCAs are being ignored because many of us, who actually attended the Only True Meeting of Really Live Authentic Orthodox Anglicans in Jerusalem, are not at the meeting in Lamb-bath, as we have no need to wash sheep. Also, there is a problem with girl-cooties and homo-cooties, and, for all we know, homo-girl cooties.
Gregorio That's right, Hank! And even though I did attend the Only True Meeting of Really Live Authentic Orthodox Anglicans in Jerusalem, I'm also at the meeting in Lamb-bath, not out of any need to scrub sheepies, but to Keep An Eye on those evil Northerners, whom I'm all for chuckin' out of the WWAC. And it's a good thing I'm there, Hank, as those girl-cootie laden Wimmin Bishops have been saying Very Mean Things, 'specially 'bout we FOCA types! One of them Wimmin's said that all the FOCAs beat their wives at least twice a week!
Kafy fum Noo Yoik That's not what I said and you know it! All I said was that, with 700 men here, there is a chance that some may beat their wives, especially those who come from cultures in which such things are still allowed, You know, Macho cultures. It's not my problem if you feel the Spirit of Conviction, pal!
Hank Terrible, just terrible! This is why our Loving God doesn't want wimmins to be bishops; you say terrible things which hurt the feelings of your betters!
Gregorio That's right, Hank! And even though I live in a macho, Souf 'merican country, I don't beat my wife, so I'm offended! Say, Hank, tell everybody why we called this Very Special and Important Press Conference!
Hank Thank you, Gregorio. Look, we're tired of you people ignoring us simply because we didn't attend Lamb-bath. We are the only true expression of orthodox Anglicanism, and it's very, very, wrong of you to ignore us.
I am here to tell you that we of GAFCON, and remember, we are Gentle Affirming Friendly Christians Obliterating Northerners and NOT WHACKY BISHOPS!
Why, you may ask, do these Fine Old Crochity Anglicans want to obliterate the Northerners? Well, it is very simple: when the missionaries first brought us Christianity, they saw us as an undisciplined people, and, filled with Christian love, they regularly punished us when we did wrong, which, according to them, was any time we did something which was not part of Northern Hemisphere culture.
Primada Kafrin That's a very sad story. You know, Christianity doesn't require you to become little Brits or Americans. There's nothing wrong with you developing a church in a Dagunian context, but you can't make everyone else do things the way you do.
Gregorio Don't listen to her, Hank, she's the one we're mad at!
Hank You're the one causing all the trouble! Your missionaries used to punish us all the time, and now that WE are in charge and want to punish you Northerners for your Wicked Wicked ways, the Grand Tufti says we can't punish you! That is a deep betrayal. How can we be Anglicans if we can't punish those who anger us? Deep, deep, betrayal! And since you're nice to homos, all the Muslims want to kill us! IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT THE MUSLIMS HATE US!!!
Primada Kafrin Now that's just silly! You can't blame Muslim violence on us!
Gregorio and Hank YIKES! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??
Primada Kafrin Calm down, I'm just trying to clear things up. How can you seriously say that the Muslims are after you because our church, thousands of miles away from yours, ordained someone of whom you do not approve?
Hank No, it's true, IT'S TRUE! We always got along great with the Muslims; we used to send each other flowers and go on picnics and everything. Religious life in the Southern Hemisphere was one big, happy, inter-faith love fest. Some of my best friends were Imams. And then you went and Did The Terrible Thing Your Church Did In 2003, and suddenly, it's all jihad all the time!
Primada Kafrin Oh, this is just silly! And, I hope you realize that the Grand Tufti is not going to go along with this. He's not going to punish anyone and he's certainly not going to let you punish others.
Hank You may think that, but, as you are in every way and with everything, you are wrong. WE have the magic word which will make the Grand Tufti do what we want: COLONIALISM!
The Grand Tufti Colonialism! OH NOES!
Gregorio I knew it'd work! Look! There he is!
Primada Kafrin sigh
Hank Colonialism! COLONIALISM!!
The Grand Tufti Please! Stop saying that! I'll do what ever you want. Just stop using that word!!
Hank Colonialism, colonialism, colonialism, colonialism!
Kafy fum Noo Yoik Are you sure you've never hit anyone?
The Grand Tufti Please! You know I hate to be accused of colonialism. What do you want in order to stop?
Hank Let us punish the Northerners and take their churches and make everyone do what we do, or I'll say colonialism to you once more!
The Grand Tufti Well, I don't think allowing you to punish others is a good idea, it's so, well, colonialist. Isn't there something else which would placate your group?
Hank NO! And who made you the bossa us? The Queen!?! More Colonialism and deep betrayal!!
Primada Kafrin This isn't going anywhere!
Gregorio Don't let him push you around, Hank!
The Grand Tufti Sometimes I don't know why I bother!
Kafy fum Noo Yoik sigh!
Gallito Mescalito ¡¡SSHHRRRIIIIEEEEEKKK!!