Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Padre Mickey Switches On To "Get Off My Lawn!" Mode
Okay, this is a BIG CONFESSION, especially to my foodie friends, but sometimes, when one has had a long, hard, day, one wants a meal that doesn't take four freakin' hours to cook. That's right, sometimes I just don't feel like toasted cumin seeds and grinding them or making my curry sauce from scratch (although Padre Mickey's Powerful Curry POWdah makes curry making a breeze! Not Available in the Continental United States; for Panamanian Episcopalians only!). SOMETIMES a guy just opens a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup™ for a gravy or sauce (I'm middle-aged so I use the Healthy Request™ version). Yeah, I have relatives in Minnesota, check it out! So I use Campbell's soup; kill me.
So, I've noticed that they've changed the bottom of the soup cans. Muchos años pasados, one would open the top of the CoMS can with the can opener and then the Clever Consumer would open the bottom of the can, pushing the can-shaped mass of grey-mushroomy-and-creamy goodness into the soup pot. But NOW they've got these stupid rounded bottoms (and I don't mean that in the good way) on the cans and we can't open them (not to mention that goofy pull-tab on the top! Don't get me started! Wait! I've already started. Never mind. . .) This is obviously a Capitalist Plot to prevent the Cream of Mushroom Soup consumer from getting every last greyish-gloopy drop of mushroom-and-creamy goodness. You can't get it all out of the can, no matter how hard you try. Did they do it to make it easier to stack cans on my grocer's shelf? My grocer doesn't stack the dang cans; my grocer purchased some kinda thingy which rolls the cans out on their sides. And what the heck to I care if they stack easier? I just wants my soupy-saucy-gravy action!
It's this kind of wickedness that is dragging our Once Great Nation into the Dust Bin of Soup Cannery. It must be stopped. Join me in harassing Campbell's incessantly with annoying emails and frivolous lawsuits. It's the Right Thing To Do!
I have just been informed by the Lovely Mona that these Capitalist Bastids have done the same thing to cans of pumpkin and, well you won't believe this IT IS SO SHOCKING! to CANS OF CRANBERRY JELLY!!!! My God! What kind of Thanksgiving is it when the cranberry jelly on the plate in the middle of the table doesn't show the sides of the can on it? Well, I guess it would be like our Thanksgiving, as I don't remember seeing any on those interesting treadmarks on the cranberry jelly this year. Never mind. . .
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I See You!
Sign by Danasoft - Get Your Free Sign
Dear Mickey. . .
F.Y.I., these round-bottomed tins are a product of
the shrouded events which occured at Roswell,
New Mexico during the 1940's.
The extraterrestrial crash and subsequent cover-up
has, of late, yielded leaked data about retro-fitted
technology which has influenced our civilisation since the 1960's.
Transistor radios, microwave communication,
integrated circuit. . .even the DOUBLEMINT TWINS
have all been the result of extraterrestrial influence.
Round-bottomed tins are just the tip of the iceburg. Yes, it has evolved to Cranberry Jelly no
longer leaving its characteristic mark along the
belly of that gelatinous wobble of reddish phlegm
which so delightfully accompanies a wad of
salmonella-laden turkey breast on a plate.
And, YES, Pumpkin Pie Filling, as well. Soon, all of
our precious comestibles will be in round-bottomed tins. The Government KNOWS about this,
but they are--typically--not talking.
Until it affects THEM!!!
Sadly, someday we shall all be buried and receive our last rites from the Campbell Company, set
adrift from our loved ones and lowered into the
earth in rounded tins.
Future generations may retrieve us only through the difficulty of digging us up and struggling with
the annoyance of the tentative Pull-Tab, which
either works or defies us at its arrogant whim,
breaking-off at our fingertips, unaccomplished at its task, with a giggling sneer.
Life is a trial. Our only weapon is a smile to get
Peace and Happiness, My Dear Spiritual Warrior,
Atkins TV, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. . .
What on earth is the point of rounded bottoms on Coke bottles? You put them down on a flat surface and they fall over. When I was a lad Coke bottles had flat bottoms. When you put them down on a flat surface they just stood there upright - which is what a bloody bottle should do!
Evolution - don't give me that!
Darwin was wrong.
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