Thursday, January 04, 2007

Meka Leka Hi Meka Hinie Ho!

When I lived in the United States, I used to enjoy watching “Christian Television” mostly because I love to yell at the T.V. Favorites were Brother Harold Camping (The Lord will return in September of 1994. I miscalculated; the Lord will return in March of 1995. April 1995: the Lord has decided to tarry.) and Pat Robertson and the 700 Club, or as my dad used to call it “The Christian Johnny Carson Show.” (My father, a good, Christian man, has spent much of his life searching for “a Christian swear-word.” But I digress...). Yeah, he made me yell at the T.V. all the time! My favorite time to watch was during the first week of the year, after Pat returned from his year-end retreat when he talks with the Lord and the Lord tells him what will take place in the coming year. But I was always bothered as Pat never recounts his predictions from the year before to see where he (or the Lord) was correct. Why? BECAUSE HE’S ALWAYS WRONG!!! His level of accuracy is right up there with the year-end psychics of Weekly World News (who don’t check their past predictions, either. I used to buy the “Predictions For *insert year here*” editions [for research purposes only, I assure you!] every year and keep the damn thing for the entire year to check the predictions. None of the amazing celebrity marriages every took place, and space aliens never landed on the White House lawn, olive oil and garlic miracle cures for cancer never took off. But I digress...). This year Our Pat (or the Lord, I’m never sure who is to blame) has predicted that there will be a major Terrorist strike, perhaps even nuclear!!

Apparently the Lord has been talking to Pat since the 1970’s, yet Pat (or the Lord) keeps getting it wrong. In 1980 the Lord told Robertson: "It [1980] will be a year of sorrow and bloodshed that will have no end soon, for the world is being torn apart, and my kingdom shall rise from the ruins of it." He a worldwide economic depression and a major war in the Middle East. Well, those of you alive and conscious then may remember that none of that happened. In 1988 the Lord told Pat to run for president, which Pat interpreted as meaning he would win. He told his followers at the primary in New Hampshire, “I assure you that I am going to be the next president of the United States.” Most of you may recall that there has never been a President Robertson of the United States of America. Pat (or the Lord, I forget which) predicted a worldwide economic collapse would take place in 1985, and that Senator Jay Rockefeller would be elected president of the U.S.A. in 1996 (exactamente, no hay Presidente Rockefeller, at least not in any history books I’ve read, but I digress...). He also predicted that George W. Bush would win the election of 2004 “in a walk. I really believe that I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blow-out election of 2004. It's shaping up that way. The Lord has just blessed him. . . . It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad. God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him." I’m sure you remember what a landslide for Bush there was in that election.

Last year the Lord told Pat: "President Bush is going to strengthen." "The fall elections will be inconclusive, but the outcome of the war and the success of the economy will leave the Republicans in charge." "Another liberal judge is going to retire -- step down from the [Supreme] Court. We'll have another opening there." "[T]he war in Iraq is going to come to a successful conclusion. We'll begin withdrawing troops before the end of this year." Well, there were changes in the Supreme Court, but no liberals resigned.

Why does he get it so wrong? Is the Lord playing him for a sucker? Is it because the Lord speaks Hebrew and Pat can barely speak English? One would think that a tongue-speaking, drape-swinging, floor-rolling, Pentecostal like Pat would have the Gift of Interpretation, but he seems to be lacking in that area. Perhaps Pat should evaluate his record; there’s a good chance that it isn’t the Lord giving him these predictions. Sure, he can claim that he misunderstood what the Lord told him, but, it seems to me that if one kept mishearing the Lord, the Lord might just stop talking to one, in my humble opinion.


Matty Boy said...

Christian swear words. Here's my choices.

People get upset when you say "Jesus!", but almost no one objects to "Moses!" When a stronger epithet is needed, we have the alliterative "Moses Malone!", a famed basketball player of years gone by.

There is also "Yow!", which can be good or bad, and can be made stronger by saying "Yow Ming!", which should be spelled "Yao Ming!", another famous basketballer.

Thanks for the Pat Predicts! update. I think the Weekly World News predictions would be worth a website of its own. Do you know anyone who gets the bound editions?

susan s. said...

Another swear word for you Mike....Sacramento California!!!! with great emphasis on the 'men' vowel. Try it, you'll like it!

Padre Mickey said...

Well, Matty Boy may remember that I used to like to say Hare Krishna! for a swear word, so that's probably as good as "Moses." Here in Panamá we have fake swear word "¡chuletas!" It means "porkchops" but it sounds great if you say ¡chuulétas!
The other one is "¡miercoles!"

Eileen said...

I think the only thing Pat Robertson hears is money rubbing up agin' his wallet...He mistakes that for God.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

I'll do it!

In Puerto Rico folks scream "Guate-MALA" when things went South!

In Guatemala folks scream:

Ala GRAN (and leave off the "Puta")

Reverend Ref + said...

LOL ... Oh man ... this was too funny! Thanks for the laugh.

Two thoughts: 1) Maybe God has sent his evil spirits upon Pat; you know, like he did with Saul.

2) Christian swear word ... how about "Pegs!!"? I know it doesn't sound like much, but when you think about Jael driving one of those through Sisera's head it sort of takes on a new meaning.

Matty Boy said...

For Spanish speakers, "Moises!" would mean more than "Moses!"; and to stick with the sports theme, we could have "Moises A-LOU!"

For English speakers, we also have the W.C. Fields favorite, "GOD freed DAN-iel!", which makes sense with the capitalized syllables accented.

Of other people's suggestions, I do like "¡miercoles!" Even a gringo like me gets it.

James said...

My favourite Christian swear word is a tree in the bible: the 'shittim.' When one is particularly ticked, try "shittim wood!"

Thanks for a cool post, Padre. it made me laugh. And I, too, enjoy Mr. Camping. He's now latched onto 2011, by the way.

Tara Mobley said...

I don't think that God is talking to Pat Robertson at all. I think he hears his own voice rattling around in his head and mistakes it for God.

I See You!

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