Dear Bishop or Rector,
Are you a Bishop up for presentment by TEC? Are you a Rector accused of some sort of monkey-business with parish funding? Are you a member of a major dissenting organization? Are they oppressing you because of your adherence to the teachings of the orthodox so-called? Are you ready to practice the new Anglican tradition of jumping ship just before charges are presented? Why go to the Southern Cone or Nigeria or even Rwanda, when you and your congregation can join the Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™?
We are the true Virtual Church of the Twenty-first Century and the latest Province of the Anglican Communion. Let's face it; the Church of Nigeria, The Southern Cone, Rwanda, East Asia, are going to start making up for lost time and make sure you pay for the sins of your White Ancestors as soon as they've kicked TEC out of the Anglican Communion and shackled ++Rowan Cantaur in caves of methane ice in dungeons deep below Lambeth Palace. But we at The True, Really, I Mean It, Church(RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG) don't care what you think as long as you pay our initiation fee (only $500,000.00 U.S. in a certified cheque made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or CASH)!
The True, Really, I Mean It, Church will give you whatever title you crave as long as you declare obedience to our leaders:
His Most Shriekiness the Rt. Rev. Gallito Mescalito
His Holiness the Rt. Rev. Red Mr. Peanut Bank, Bishop of All Legumes and Vegetables
The Decreasingly Reverend Yet Increasingly Transparent and Holy Ghostliness Padre Mickey de Panamá Pictured here with the St. Macrina Consecrated Virgins and True Church™ Liturgical Dancersand pay our initiation fee (only $500,000.00 U.S. in a certified cheque made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven, or CASH)!
What Can The True, Really, I Mean It, Church Offer You, the Bishop or Rector on the Lam?
We are a small, impoverished province with only five house churches and a magnificent cathedral. However, you can teach whatever claptrap you want and give yourself whatever impressive title you desire, as long as you declare obedience to our primados (see above) and pay our initiation fee of $500,000.00 U.S.. We do have more "legal parishes" than the so-called Northern Deanery of the Diocese of Bolivia!
The House Church of the Most Holy Martyrs Perpetua and her Companions
The House Church of St. Origen of Caeserea
The House Church of St. Simon Stylites on the Pillars
The House Church of St. Donatus the African Hardliner
The House Church of St. Hippolytus the First Prayerbook Crank
The Cathedral of the Most Blessed Saints Montanus, Maximilla and PriscillaBeliefs of the The True, Really, I Mean I, Church™ (RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG)
We believe in the Apostle's and Nicene Creeds
We believe the Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments to be the Inspired Word of God
We believe in the use of Icons as long as they are a part of Public Transportation
We believe that liturgy is the Work of the People and should reflect their piety, resulting in some very experimental liturgy
We believe that God cares about the shoes of God's Children, especially those of Mickey D. (also known as The Decreasingly Reverend Yet Increasingly Transparent and Holy Ghostliness Padre Mickey de Panamá).
We believe in ordination to Holy Orders to all who are called or "have it."
We believe that Jesus loves guns
We welcome all who believe in either Evolution or Creationism
We believe in Hedgehog Meditiation
We believe in MaosimWe believe that God loves all God's GLBT children and calls some to Holy Orders. If you don't agree, we'll still let you come to the Holy Table, but will think that you are lacking somewhat in the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
Actually, all our beliefs are summed up in this hymn by our best hymn-writers, the Buzzcocks:
In these times of contention it's not my intention to make things plain
I'm looking through mirrors to catch the reflection that can't be mine
I'm losing control now I'll just have to slow down a thought or two
I can't feel the future and I'm not even certain that there is a past
I believe in the worker's revolution
And I believe in the final solution
I believe in
I believe in
I believe in the shape of things to come
And I believe in I'm not the only one
Yes I believe in
I believe in
When I poison my system I take thoughts and twist them into shapes
I'm reaching my nadir and I haven't an idea of what to do
I'm painting by numbers but can't find the colours that fill you in
I'm not even knowing if I'm coming or going if to end or begin
I believe in the immaculate conception
And I believe in the resurrection
And I believe in
I believe in
I believe in the elixir of youth
And I believe in the absolute truth
Yes I believe in
I believe in
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
I've fallen from favour while trying to savour experience
I'm seeing things clearly but it has quite nearly blown my mind
It's the aim of existence to offer resistance to the flow of time
Everything is and that is why it is will be the line
I believe in perpetual motion
And I believe in perfect devotion
I believe in
I believe in
I believe in the things I've never had
I believe in my Mum and my Dad
And I believe in
I believe in
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
I'm skippin' the pages of a book that takes ages for the foreword to end
Triangular cover concealing another aspect from view
My relative motion is just an illusion from stopping too fast
The essence of being these feelings I'm feeling I just want them to last
I believe in original sin
And I believe what I believe in
Yes I believe in
I believe in
I believe in the web of fate
And I believe in I'm going to be late
So I'll be leavin'
What I believe in
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
There is no love in this world anymore
So, what are you waiting for? All other churches are under the control of His Satanic Majesty™ or the Republican Party (usually both groups at once, since they are so closely connected).
Join the Real Live Orthodox Episcopal Anglican Protestant Catholic Pentecostal Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian Church of All the Americas and Actually the Entire Globe; Yeah, that's Right, We Include the Global South, the Global North AND the Global Center, So Where Else Ya Gonna Go? also known as the RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG or The True, Really, I Mean It, Church™ at least until the charges are dropped!!
Remeber! All you need to join The True Church™ (RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYGG) is a certified cheque for only $500,000.00 U.S. made out to Christ's Anglican Safe Haven or CASH!
Do it today!!!
(Initiation Fee due to increase after September 30, 2007)
14 comments:
I have been sent letters like this from Nigeria before, but never with cool fotos. I'll raise that half mil and right soon!
Padre, you've outdone yourself!
ROTFLOL! So this is what Panamanian Rum does to you! ;-)
You've even got the Berkeley touch with the meditating hedgehogs.
Nothing like getting punchy on Palm Sunday Eve.
ROFLMAO
Can I preach wearing a collar and a WTFWJD? t-shirt.
I'm in.
I just need to "gather" the necessary funds.
I'm particularly interested in the hedgehog meditation. Lovely.
Whoooooooo-hooooooooo, I'm in. It's the Church of St. Perpetua and Her Companions for me. If I raise the half mill, does that include ordination?
How did you do the Cultural Revolution posters? I LOVE that. I may steal that for May Day, if you don't mind.
Cultural Revolution posters: I nicked the one at the top from Jesus' General. He does some great work with those posters. I don't remember where I found the second one, but I love it!
RLOEAPCPEFCCAAAEGYRWIGSGNAGCSWEYFF
Shouldn't the last letters be GG??
It's that Viejo Abuelo rum, gotta be.
It might be the rum, Caminante. That stuff is strong. You're tripping on something, Padre.
Pat would be scared to have +++++++++Mescalito as the supreme head of the true (as in true, I mean true, man!) church.
Long live to the arch-arch-arch-arch-archbishop of all colorful gallitos.
As someone who has known the Padre for 20+ years, I would like to inform his newer friends that he does not need the Mescalito or the Ron Panama to riff like this. He comes from a time and a place where Dr. Bronner's Soap and Soy Sauce had labels every bit as... wide ranging in their interests as this post was.
He's too modest to award himself first place in the April Fool's contest, so let me do it for him.
First place, April's Fooliest Fool: Padre Mickey
And so says the congregation.
"Can I preach wearing a collar and a WTFWJD? t-shirt."
I wear my WTFWJD tshirt when I row on my erg. I haven't quite gotten up the courage to wear it outside when I am weeding in the garden. Too public. But great for in the house.
Great!
I'm fumbling for my checkbook. . .
I'm grabbing for the mouse and clicking "subscribe to RSS."
So funny, I had to read the whole thing. This helps me get over the depression brought on by being reminded that Karl Rove is an Episcopalian, and boasts that as such he doesn't have to believe anything.
Bless you, Padre Mickey, Lovely Mona, Red Mr. Peanut Bank, and everyone and everything else.
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